To whom it may concern

A letter not written,
Dearest friend I know your heart aches for me. I know you want only what’s best for me. I know you think you are helping me. I know you think I quit or failed or gave up. You think you would do something completely different. Would you? Really? Do you really think you would be able to live the rest of your life in my shoes? Do you honestly believe my reasons are pointless? Do you really think it’s a good idea to stay? Honestly? Do you think I haven’t tried? Do you think I haven’t done everything anyone could think of? Read every book? Prayed every prayer? Counseling? Medicine? Patience? Peace offerings? Forgiveness? Do you really think that my decision was easy? Premature? Wrong? I understand. I used to be you. I used to think the same way. I did. I didn’t give up. I did try. I really did. I tried for so long that I’ve grown twice my age.  Twenty two years of trying and of never being good enough. Twenty two years of being just almost right. Twenty two years of bowing and of failing. Twenty two years. How long do you think I should try? Till the day I die? Did you know, dearest friend, that dying is also something I tried?  Did you know dearest friend that dying was something that I was afraid of, yet wished for? Did you know my friend that that was the only escape I could think of?  That all I needed was a friend?  My dearest friend, if you were in my shoes you would have known. You would have seen the horror and felt the pain. If you were in my shoes you would have taken the blame as well. My friend, when you find yourself alone, unbelieved, lost, abandoned, worthless… When you find yourself there then my beloved friend, then you will do what I did if you can find the strength. If you can convince yourself that despite the last twenty two years believing you are terrible and worthless and unlovable. Despite the emotions that prove to you that all you deserve is death. My dearest friend, you will be lucky if you have an ounce of strength left to defend yourself. You will be blessed if you find that you have escaped with your life and with your kids. When you find yourself out of the smoke and mirrors, seeing sky and feeling the air. When you can take a breath and know that you are safe and you are well and that you can live again. When you find yourself there alone but OK then, my friend, then you will understand.


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