Another semester done

Pharmacy school… What was I thinking?  I love people and I want to make a difference in other’s lives.  I want to be able to pursue a career that is rewarding and not a waste of time.  I need a career that will allow me to pay my bills and help my kids through college.  I can have all of these things by finishing Pharmacy school.  This is the middle of my second year of four.  I’ve managed to keep my grades up.  I’ve learned an amazing amount of information and I’m continuing to do so.  My life has changed more than I ever imagined over the last year.  I’ve grown, I’ve matured, I’ve cried and I’ve laughed and danced.  I love the life I’m living as I struggle through the school work and struggle through life.  Life is messy.  I’ve been to court numerous times, I’ve moved out of an abusive marriage.  I’ve learned to trust people and I’ve learned to allow people to help me.  I’ve always been a proud woman.  I never wanted to admit that I had any problems and I absolutely never wanted to admit that I needed any kind of help…. after all I’m the one who helps others, not the other way around.  I never wanted to admit that I couldn’t handle something.  I never accepted failure.  My marriage was a failure and accepting that was extremely difficult.  I thought everyone had their problems and that mine weren’t any different…. I was wrong.  Mine was different.  Mine was wrong, unhealthy and it was killing me.  Pharmacy school became my escape.  This past semester, after I moved out, was easier than the semester before while I still lived with him.  My grades this semester were superb, I only got one B and the rest As… but how did I handle that?  Fail.  I expect nothing but perfection from myself… just like was expected from me before.  It takes a lot of time to heal and a lot of time to train yourself to think in a more appropriate manner.  Abuse is a very difficult thing to get over… I never was good enough before with him and now I find myself not even good enough for myself… the abuse continues and I do it to myself.  I guess it’s like the anorexic who never sees herself as beautiful, who is never skinny enough or “healthy” enough.  I want this cycle to end.  I don’t want my kids to turn into me or to turn into him.  The struggle is real.  Many would give their right arm just to have the grades I have.  Others would think me idiotic for even worrying about it. I see people different now. I know that I don’t know what troubles they are going through because I know very few actually know what I’m going through. It gives me pause to realize that I’m not alone in my fight for an amazing life. I’m not alone in my fight and neither are you.
Thank you for reading,
me

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