Trust your heart it sees things your brain refuses to see. Listen to your heart it knows things your brain doesn’t know. Your brain only sees so much, but your heart fills in all the gaps. Trust yourself. Trust what you feel. Understand that your brain doesn’t see it all, doesn’t know everything. Sometimes it tells the truth when your brain has been lying, especially if you’ve been lying to yourself for years.
You are going to be okay. You are already okay. You are already perfectly imperfect for God has made you so. God has made you whole. You are meant to be amazing for you were created by the Creator of everything. Playing small just diminishes your value. Learn to love. Trust your heart.
I started thinking, I started realizing, I have not forgiven myself. I have been taking responsibility for everything in my life. A good thing somewhat but not so good if it includes from the time I was born. Good if I gave equal credence to the good as the bad, maybe. Bad, though, if I fail to recognize outside influences, forces for which I had absolutely no control. I have been punishing myself; either by accepting punishment, or by encouraging punishment because I did not see that I had value.
But I do have value. I am worth it. I am an amazing person. I have so much love to give. I have hope. I am smart and beautiful. I deserve to have good things. I deserve to be forgiven and I did not deserve to do this alone. I have to talk, not for you but for me. I don’t know how, I do, I guess. Just open my mouth and start talking, but I’m not ready. I don’t know what will make me ready. I may never be ready. What I do know is true, is that I can continue to hurt and I can continue to feel this and I can continue to punish myself until the day I die; or I can deal with this, I can face my demons, confront my past, and live.
I can live without the blame. I can allow myself to feel anger and hate and still be OK. I can allow myself to experience my feelings so that they do not brew. I can quit being numb and allow myself to experience life, the good and the bad. I actually felt anger the other day that was righteous rather than reactive. I actually got angry. I allowed myself to truly feel and it hurt. But for once I didn’t blame myself, the first time. When I didn’t blame myself I had a tremendous amount of peace. This peace is new and weird and odd and uncomfortable, but not bad. It’s just different. It’s a different feeling than I’ve ever had that I can remember. I’ve had moments of peace, where I could forget things, but this peace has me remembering at the same time. That’s new. I don’t think I have felt this before. I can’t remember, anyways.
As I begin another day, I pray that I can allow myself to feel the entire spectrum of feelings that come to me. I am finally learning to cry again and experience life again. Allowing myself to be true to my heart helps me to love my babies more deeply and will ultimately help me to be the person that I dream of being.
thank you for reading,