Grief

What is grief?  Why is this something that is considered a difficult emotion?  Where does it come from?  What is it’s purpose?  Why must we experience grief?  I am grieving right now and I don’t like it.  I like the days where I can see the sun shining, where the weather is fine and the temperature is just right.  I like the days where my biggest thoughts are minor and unimportant, where my decisions aren’t a matter of life and death and where my memories don’t hurt.

But grief?  How can you describe it?  Is it the storm that sneaks into the night, that wakes you from your sleep with it’s first clap of thunder and rain pelting the window like little stones, the wind building into a crescendo as you wonder if the house will hold?  Or is it the morning that you wake where the skies are grey promising rain that never comes?  Days that are cold and air so wet that you can’t get warm?  I think grief is most like the grey day, cold, wet, miserable with no comfort with no end in sight.  Grief hurts.  It sucks the life out of you.  Grief demands attention and gets its way.  It refuses to be ignored.

Grief?  Why do you haunt me?  What have I left to learn?  Why do you sit there like a constant reminder?  Grief.  This feeling, this being, this ghost, is like all others.  It requires that you recognize it, embrace it, accept it.  It sucks.

Grief?  You haunt me with my past, you haunt me with my present.  You make me to pause and to cry.  You give me reasons to stop, to quit.  Grief!  Why do you come?  Did you not already know that I could not handle you?  I am ill prepared to deal with you and I cannot stand you!  Leave me.  You won’t.  A part of me understands you.  The part of me that is trying to grow.  You came along because I trusted me.  I trusted that I could handle you and so you came.  You came to test me.  You came to provoke me.  You came to kill me.

I have experienced you before and I have left you before.  I will do the same again.  Grief!  You will not hold me forever.  You will never gain complete control.  I will face you and I will cry.  I will sob, scream, and try to sleep you away.  You will not go, though, until I accept you.  I understand some.  I know that to love I have to hate.  I know that to smile I have to cry.  I know that to give I have to take. I know that to have peace, I must experience fear. I know that without you I fail to recognize the beauty around me.  Without your reminders I will forget to truly live.  I’m sorry, Grief.  I don’t want you but I do understand.  You will take your toll and I must wait until you are gone again.

I know you Grief.  I do not like you.  I do not like your reminders.  Your insistence on being noticed is worse than a spoiled child.  Grief.  I will give you what you want.  I will cry and I will stop and I will remember.  But Grief? When that is done you must leave, leave for a time or be quiet because I am still alive.  I refuse to die tonight and I will live despite you. Grief.  It’s time to let the living live.  You go your way and I’ll go mine. Grief, let me live.

thanks for reading,

me

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