Scared

Scared.  What is it that is so scary? The leaving, the going it alone? The chance of being hurt, physically, emotionally? The fear of making a life long mistake?  The fear of the unknown.  What if you had done something different? What if you had tried just one more time?  What if you didn’t give up? Give up?

They say insanity is trying to get different results by doing the same thing over and over again.  If you’re like me you have done everything you could think of, you’ve tried what others have suggested, you’ve done everything in the book… Speaking of books, you’ve read them all too… Maybe you were too sensitive or maybe you really did misunderstand? You can question yourself until you die but it won’t do any good because the truth is you really have done all you are capable of and you really do deserve to be happy and it really does take two to make a relationship better.  I’ve said I’m on this train and it’s your choice to either get on with me or get run over.  My husband decided not to participate.

Truth is you made the best decisions you could, given the circumstances. Given the way life was, it made sense. Sure, some of those decisions weren’t really good in the end but that’s OK too.  So many of us are used to being held to an impossible standard, first by those who we thought loved us and then by ourselves.  Does it really make sense to expect perfection when you don’t even have all of the information? Why is it our spouses didn’t have to live up to the standards they expected of us?  If yours is like mine he expected quiet when he wanted quiet, to play when he wanted to play, sex when he wanted sex. He wanted so many things but he never actually told me what it was… “If I really care I’d know him well enough to actually know what he wants.”… I’m sorry. Last time I checked I don’t read minds. I’m fairly certain you don’t either.

So why are we scared? We are scared because it makes sense to be. Finally we are listening to our own feelings and finally we are discovering that they actually mean something. We have been led to believe the impossible and so when we are confronted with truth it’s hard. It’s time to get to know ourselves. It’s time to figure out on our own whether we like country music or Japanese food or whether we like swimming or the color green. We have been told what is good and what is right, it’s time we decide that for ourselves. We wore things he decided he didn’t like and then tossed it away. We have kept our hair long, or short, because of how he reacted to it. We have let every decision we ever made be based on whether he approved or not. It’s time for a little insubordination, is time to try new things, meet new people, play new games, wear different clothes… Get our hair done or have our nails painted. Or maybe we won’t. Maybe we’ll put our foot down and decide we are good enough, absolutely perfect, just the way we are.

What we won’t do though, ever again, is cower to a childish, pig-headed bully. We won’t ever put up with that again. We will learn how to take care of ourselves and we will do what we have always known was the right thing to do, what we were afraid to do before. Our children will respect us more because they will see our transformation and they will learn from our mistake. They will learn to have a certain amount of love and respect for themselves that will help them in their lives. They will be able to hold their heads high because they know that they are worthy. You and I are worthy.

We deserve to walk with pride, a certain self-confidence that others will envy. Think of it this way, the only reason you are alive today is because you chose to be. You could have called it quits many times, when you were harassed or abandoned. Even the fact that you didn’t kill him, that in itself is something to be proud of. You didn’t act on your hate, because I know there was hate. It’s impossible to live for years with someone who constantly chastised you and not hate them sometimes. And if you didn’t hate him it’s likely you hated yourself. Take pride in the fact you chose to live. Now it’s time we learn how to live our best. Now it’s time to love ourselves.

Wrote this a while ago, but felt that it might be of help…

thanks for reading,

me

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