It has now officially been 23 years since I married my X, And almost 2 since I left him. Because of him I was blessed with four of my amazing children. Because of him I was able to spend most of my days at home with them. I was able to be there for my precious babies. I was able to school them and to teach them on a daily basis. I was able to help them to become amazing people. I do not regret these years so much as I could because of the gifts that were given me. I can acknowledge that part of my life without remorse.
The thing about marriage and abuse, though, is that there should have been a better relationship between myself and their father. The thing about divorce, and the ending it represents, is that the should haves and could haves never happened. Waking up and realizing that much of your life was a lie is a disheartening thing. Realizing that you do not live in a fairy tale romance and that there isn’t even the slightest semblance of one. Realizing that no matter how hard you try nor how much you pray that the marriage you thought was possible is not. It’s like waking up from a dream into a nightmare and not being able to go back to sleep again.
So yes, today is my anniversary. And I don’t know whether to celebrate or to mourn. Should I celebrate that I had 22 years with a man who never once honored me as a wife? A man who threatened me and who withheld from me frequently? Or should I mourn that he was so broken before I met him that when two broken people are put together that there’s no way to heal or fix things? That it was a tragedy from the beginning? I didn’t know how to be a good wife, nor how to even to love myself, how was he supposed to know how to love me if I didn’t know? Or should I celebrate that I am no longer with him and that I finally have more security, and more love, and more freedom than I’ve ever had? Should I celebrate that we did have some good times? Or mourn that I was so scared of him that I ran away and hid?
No one is completely evil all of the time. No one is perfect either.
thank you for reading,