Don’t sin in your anger.

Ephesians 4:26 – “In your anger, do not sin.”

I’m angry, actually furious.  My son says “remember, Mom, it’s hard to stay angry when you say ‘bubbles’.”  I love that boy so much my heart aches for him.  His father and I have not yet completed the separation of property and so I am angry.  I am reminded, yet again, why I do not want to be with him.  I am reminded again of his pettiness and his nastiness.  I am reminded again of how so much better our lives are now that we don’t have to deal with him on a daily basis.  I am reminded again how much I truly have.  I’ve learned that when you try to make sense of the nonsensical that all you do is drive yourself crazy.  You cannot make something be logical when it is done counter to logic.  I’ve tried to understand that man for years, and each time I just feel even more crazy.  We must be different species.  Why would a man prefer to make his children’s mom suffer and as such cause his children to suffer just to get even?  Why would a man rather lose his relationships with his children than admit that he needs to step up?  How can a man be so petty, so self-centered?  There is no answer.

I can understand one thing, though.  He did not change, will not change, nor will he ever change.  This is OK.  His life is wrapped up in mine because of our children but our children will grow and will learn on their own how to be with him.  For me, though?  I would love to maintain ‘no contact’ as much as possible.  I am able to do this most of the time. Once I make it through the property division and alimony I expect there will be even less contact.  In addition, once the children are old enough I can write him out of my life entirely. He will be merely an annoyance and nothing more.  Now, to place him in the annoying category rather than the angry category. “Bubbles.”  Yup, makes me smile.

Each time something comes up like this I wonder how on earth I will manage.  My anger consumes me for a time and I feel lost and afraid, as if I were still in his grasp.  I feel as if he is feeding on my life and literally sucking my energy, my will to live and fight, right out of my bones.  Then, like now, I start to despise myself for letting him affect me so.  I begin to think how do I get out of this mood.  How do I keep him from having this effect?  The quiet voice inside of me then reminds me that I am stronger than I’ve ever been and that I may need to feed my strength better by taking care of myself better.  It always comes back to taking better care of myself.  When I am tired, or over drawn, or not taking breaks, or not eating right… then I am more easily swayed, and his grasp begins to take hold again.

What then should I do, could I do, this time?  First, I decided to write this post.  Second, food.  Third, after eating I will sit and quietly read a book and my mind will finally be able to put him back in his little box to deal with later.  I will take charge of taking care of myself because if I don’t then I won’t live.  There is no one else responsible for me but me.

I share this with you so that you may know that when dealing with life, it is important to take each day one at a time.  When recovering from abuse, abortion, divorce or anything else, it is important to take care of yourself.  Remember to be gentle with yourself, love yourself.  You deserve it.

Thank you for reading,

me

PS. Bubbles. 😀

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4 thoughts on “Don’t sin in your anger.

  1. Thank you so much for the reminder. It’s easier said than done. I am not as far as you are because as much as I logically understand he will never get it, I still want him to. I want him to apologize for the damages he caused to my body that I deal with on a daily basis, but as I’m learning and being reminded every day, he just isn’t capable. One of his main justification for how he is, is that he never wants to look at why. Like a dictator he says what it’s going to be and that’s that. An uber driver and I were talking about a totally unrelated matter when he said, without the why, you don’t move forward. I have always asked why so it is forcing to me not to want to know why especially if it’s something that has caused you heartache in the past. How can you improve if you don’t know what to improve. Well, I got my answer today…he can’t answer the why because if he does then he can’t justify his actions to himself and then he will have to deal with the pain of his demons so it’s easier to live in V logic. Thanks for the post…

    • I have my good days and my bad days, but my good ones are coming more frequently and my bad days are turning into bad moments rather than ruining entire days. I absolutely know it’s easier said than done and so whatever encouragement I can provide then I will. Learn to believe in yourself and to trust your gut. Your soul knows what you need better than your mind.

      • You keep making me cry…in a good way because i feel very alone. He has made me feel worthless and I have bought into it. I’ll write more tomorrow – need to head to bed.

      • I’ve had to learn to cry again, my walls were so strong I didn’t remember how to feel. I’ve learned it’s ok to feel because if I allow myself to feel then I get to enjoy the good stuff more because once I let myself feel my feelings then I can breathe.

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