I wrote the following long before I ever knew the depth of my pain, long before I ever spoke to a soul. I had had a hint of freedom that lead me to write this… I hope that my life can be a light to another’s. Enjoy?
I search, I scream, I try to find a way out. My dreams are haunted, I’m lost, terrified.
“Please someone, please help me.” I can’t see, I can barely breathe. Where is the air? How did I get here?
“Someone please, please help me out!” I’m so lost, I don’t know my way. Where am I? I wish I could see the sky, but I’m blind. The birds? Do they sing? I can’t hear their song.
“My dreams? Please don’t ask me about my dreams. My dreams don’t come true. They can’t, my chains are too strong, dreaming just makes things worse. What do I dream? I can’t, it hurts too much. Please, please don’t ask me that. Don’t make me dream…the chains they hurt so bad.”
Air? Is that air? Sky? No! I can’t look. Oh, but the air is so sweet, and the sky is so bright.
“No! It only makes it worse!” Don’t give me air and sky, I can’t keep them.
“Go away, please go away. Please, please.”
“What do you want? Why do you hurt me so much? I belong here, in my cage. I belong here, with my chains. Don’t help me, please, please don’t.”
It hurts too much. I didn’t know. I didn’t know I couldn’t breathe. I didn’t know I had chains on. I couldn’t see the cage. I didn’t want to know. Why did you show me? It hurts so much more than it did before. I was almost dead, why did you wake me? Why did you set me free? You are so cruel. I didn’t know what it was like to be free. I didn’t know what I was missing. You cursed me! I can’t stay free! Why did you show me! I didn’t want to know what it was like to be loved.
I screamed, I yelled, I begged to be free and you came, you showed me how.
“I hate you. I hate you for showing me. How dare you show me what I can’t have! I hate you!”
My chains are heavier than they ever were before you. My cage is smaller, my air is sour. I at least thought I could breathe. I didn’t know I was in hell. I just didn’t know.
You say I can. Really? How? You say it is my right to breathe? To be free? How? By going through hell first? I don’t want it. If this isn’t hell yet, then I’ll just stay here. I don’t want worse. You still believe in me? You say I can be free? I don’t believe you. You are wrong. You all are wrong and I am right. How can you all be wrong? Is there really enough air out there? Will I be able to see the sky? Hear the birds? Breathe?
“Help me! I’m so alone! I can’t find my way. Please, please help me. I can’t do this alone. I’m so scared. I don’t know how. I don’t know what to do. Please, someone, please help me!”
thank you for reading,
ps.. the sun, the stars, the birds, the fields, the sky… they are all very, very real