What if I fail? Oh. But, my darling, what if you soar?

The messed up quote above by Erin Hanson “What if I fall? Oh. But my darling, what if you fly?” Is one with special meaning to me today. I have been flying in and out of my safety nest now for about three years. My therapist finally told me that I’ve out grown him, that I am quite capable on my own. But my fear comes quickly. My fear of failing. Even while having to return to him time and time again after feeling so much better and after working so hard for the life I have, lead me to believe that I was a failure.

I was beginning to believe I had ‘failed therapy’ and there was no use even trying anymore. But, instead, I have learned that life after abuse is a lot of back and forth. The forward motion is wonderful but sometimes we go back in time. Sometimes we wake up from a nightmare or sometimes something reminds us of something awful. All the feelings I had take over like it was yesterday, and all of the things I’d accomplished since then just vanish. All of my hope and dreams take a back seat and I find myself sitting on the steps sobbing again. Failed.

But no! It’s not failure. It’s realizing that I have finally left that life and how hugely opposite my current life is now. Those short treks back in time serve a purpose to remind me of the contrast my life is now. They remind me to stay the course and to steadily move forward despite the difficulty. Really? What could be more difficult that the actual leaving, anyhow? Leaving? With all of its secret preparations, the lies to stay safe, the hushed conversations, the quick plan making, the changing of subjects. Leaving? With the constant fear of being caught, or of not getting out in time? Leaving? The real threat that anything, I mean anything, could happen to make him angry. Leaving? I don’t think anything is quite as hard as that.

So I remind myself, that when I go back in time (which could happen for no apparent reason) I am merely reminding myself of how great my current life is. So, back to the point, failing therapy didn’t actually happen, even when I had to go back again and again. I’ve been flying in and out of his nest now for a long time. I know, deep in my being, that this time is the last. Somehow, it seems so very final. He promises, as always, that if I need to see him that he will always be there. Immediately I think, liar. How can he promise that? Then I realize he’s not lying. He truly believes if I need him again that he will be around for me to visit. I relax and accept his statement.

I ask him, instead, if he’s kicking me out of the nest so I can learn to fly on my own? His answer, was quite different than I expected. He tells me, instead, that I have been flying all along. Then I ask him, “but what if I fail?” He knows me well, he knows more than I ever expected him to… and he answers me, “Oh. But what if you soar?”

So now I ask myself? What if I soar? What happens then? My life has been challenging under anyone’s measure. Often I wonder how I got where I am, just like others wonder how I managed it all? Then I remind myself, I got where I am because I chose to go down this road. I made difficult decisions, I took the hard road, I pushed and I struggled, and sometimes I crawled and I screamed but all in all I learned how to fly. I learned how to fly on my own. Now, what if I can soar? I will attempt to soar. I will open my wings and allow the wind to hold me up. I will do what I must. And, I will likely go back in time again. It will be OK because my wings will become stronger over time. And one day, I will truly soar.

And what about my safety nest? What if I find I need to land for a bit of time? What then? Will that then mean that I have failed? No. It will mean only that my wings are tired and I need only to find my course again. I know that storms will come, I know that there will be many times in the future where I could forget how to fly. But I also know that I can heal and that I can gather myself a hug and renewed energy. Then what will I hear? I will hear his voice asking me, “have you taken care of yourself lately? What are you doing for you?” For these words will be what I need to hear, old habits die hard and I need the reminding.

So the question remains? “Oh. But, my darling, what if you soar?”

 

thank you for reading,

me

Life is Short

Life is short. It’s precious and it’s so easily lost. Today was a day to remind me. I came across a motorcyclist accident. He didn’t seem OK at first. But by the time the EMS arrived he was talking. I wonder what he will do with his second chance on life? Will he go out and bike again, only more safely? Will he bother buying a better helmet, one with a face shield? There were so many people there but only a few were willing to get in and get dirty to save his life. Will this young man, who could have easily met his creator today, decide to live life to the fullest from here on out? Will he decide to take his life in a direction that could lead to new things? New purpose? I wonder. I hope so. I hope he decides that with this second chance he will cherish his life just a little more.

Or will he, instead, become scared of living? Will he decide that life is too dangerous to get on a bike again? Will he become scornful and forget that his life has value? Will he give up on life because it seems too fragile? I hope not. This seems to be what so many others have done. There were many people there watching the few, or just waiting. Were these people scared to help or did they just not know what to do? I hope they just didn’t know how to help and so stayed out of the way because someone did know.

After leaving him with the EMT, I took my children on to their father. I hugged them both tight and told them that I love them. I know that life is precious. I have not forgotten. I will not forget. I’ve lost many of those I love and I know that I will lose more. I don’t want to, but life is 100% fatal. Life is so short. Remember to live.

thanks for reading,

me

The Next 30 Days

It’s “crunch” time. It’s almost the end of the semester. Four plus exams, a case study, and two Practicals left in less than 20 days… only 8 days of actual classes. Four finals followed immediately by mediation with the ex, then starting rotations, then my daughter gets married… less than 30 days from today. My friend, Time, must feel the need to push me forward because this Time is coming so quickly now that I keep thinking I’m forgetting to do something. From one minute to the next I have no idea what I am doing. I’m OK for a bit if I just sit and ignore everything and concentrate on only one thing, but then I get sidetracked because of something I forgot.

I have choices still, I have to remind myself that I do still get to choose. I get to choose whether I will “freak out” and yell at my kids while they run around like wild animals in the house while I study. Or I could take a deep breath, send them outside, and refocus. I have the choice whether I let myself feel the overwhelm that is trying to set in or I can notice that it’s there and stop and plan a way to go forward. Everything I do is a choice.

Problem is is that some of these choices were made earlier when I felt like I had more time. Habits are hard to change. I fill my calendar from morning to night, from Sunday to Saturday and fail to schedule time for me in. This habit has got to change. Sure, I know I’ll be able to make it through the next 30 days. I know I will still be breathing when it’s done, aside from an act of God, these next 30 days will pass. At the end I will have passed my classes, successfully mediated with my ex, married off my daughter to a great guy and be in the midst of my rotations. This will all happen. I believe it. I have faith that these next days will pass and I will survive it. I might even be better for it.

In the meantime, though, how do I go through these days with grace. How do I keep a loving tone in my voice and a caring look on my face? How do I be the person I want to be while I travel through this stressful season? These are real questions. I am definitely open for suggestions.

I know I will force myself to sit and write so I don’t forget this part of my life, and so I can vent. I know I will put myself to bed with things left undone. I know I will continue to rise in the morning. What do I need to do to keep myself sane? More of what I already do but I have to be deliberate. I have to deliberately get up and drink a cup of tea and read before I start my day. I have to deliberately take myself outside and exercise in the fresh air. I have to deliberately make myself go out with friends despite my exams. I have to remember to live my life around and through the next 30 days.

There are three things I know that help me a lot. Writing, reading and eating on time. Sleep is also a huge factor on the way I feel. If I am sleep deprived I tend toward being depressed. If I am hungry, I tend toward overwhelm. Writing helps me do brain dumps and reading helps me think on different things.

Maybe I’ll learn not to schedule everything at once someday. That would be nice, free Time.

So here’s to the next 30 days!

thanks for reading,

me