Is it true? Is it finally over? I doubt it. I know that’s pessimistic of me but this has taken so long already! More than two years ago I took my children and left. I packed up my things, loaded them on a truck; waited for my husband to leave, then packed up my babies’ stuff and loaded that too. There was no way in hell I was moving out without them. My babies were 7 and 13 at the time. My older two, 17 and 19, helped us all pack and move. Before we were finished my husband returned. He offers one child a chance to stay. Just one! Are the others not yours too?? This amazing son of mine told his father, “no, Mom said I didn’t have a choice.” And left with the rest of us. My heart had stopped beating waiting for his answer. Then we drove away.
A few days later I went to get more of my things, my children minus the one son, came with me. I was naive, I thought he would be reasonable. Instead, after some time gathering little useful things, I went into the kitchen to get somethings in there. I was, after all, trying to turn an empty house into a home for our kids… He became angry when I took a spatula. A spatula! Really? I didn’t care but he sure did. He grabbed me from behind and wrapped his entire body around me to get it from my hands, bruising my arms in the process… My children and I yelled at him to turn me loose. It was scary to say the least. He’s more than twice my weight and a foot taller than me. Not only did he do that to me but he did it in front of my children, in front of my seven-year old. I will never understand how a father could behave the way he does. I will never understand his logic. It’s not possible to understand crazy, that’s why it’s called ‘crazy’.
I took my baby and went and had ice cream, then we went to the sheriff’s office to report him. I know that was backwards, but I didn’t know what to do and I was shaking because I was so scared. I was scared of him and scared of turning him in. I was scared and I had a right to be. I had lived with that man for over twenty years and I had heard his promises that I could not survive without him, would not survive without him. I heard his statements, as if it was the time of day, that I was worthless and useless and a terrible mother, wife, person… I was scared and at the time I thought I somehow deserved to be treated that way. I was confused and terrified. It wasn’t the first time either.
That was over two years ago. That was the last time I went inside of that house until this past week. Since then we have settled in the courts for child support, and divorce. And only a few weeks ago, finally, for property. Finally. I was finally allowed to go back to the house and to pack up my things. I was finally able to have movers come and get my piano and all of the rest of the things that were divided. I had a friend help me the first day of packing, and my adult children the rest of the time. I was terrified to be in his house and I couldn’t pack fast enough or leave quickly enough. I did it, though, and I never have to go back again.
So, my question, finally? Is it finally over? Is this nightmare finally ended? I think so. I’m hesitant to believe it, yet, I think it is. Can I celebrate yet? Do I mourn the lost fairytale? Is this a state of shock that I am in? Questions remain… if he hated me so much, thought so little of me, then why did he make it so difficult to leave? If he loved me so much, like he said, then why didn’t he ever try to chase me? Why didn’t he even once try to convince me to stay? Why was he the one who filed for the divorce? A final discard. The man never changed and never will. Me, though? I’m different. I’m stronger, smarter, and happier than I’ve ever been.
thank you for reading,