Movie Night

It’s a Tuesday night and so I’m home alone. I’ve gotten used to not having the kids around all of the time. It isn’t always easy, though. I remember that first weekend when I didn’t get to keep them and they had to go to their dad’s. That was awful. My youngest was crying, hysterical, that she didn’t want to go. The other was okay with it but you could tell he didn’t like the way things were turning out. He kept thinking that he could somehow fix things. I think he still feels that way sometimes.

I often plan things now, when I know they won’t be home. Things with friends or out to the movies. Sometimes just staying home. Today I kept busy with school things and bills and planning my future. I even sent out an application for a job. About seven tonight I realized I needed to spend some time relaxing and take care of the me part of me. So I shut my computer and looked up a movie on Netflix.

I chose an older movie. I might have seen it before, but if I did I don’t remember. Life has a way of making things disappear. I pulled up Shawshank Redemption. Yup. What was I thinking? I was afraid to watch it lest I cry, or that it might be extraordinarily violent. I can’t stand violent films. And emotional films? Let’s just say, I will cry for anything. No matter. I sat down with my home-made chicken soup (I made it yesterday because I was scared I was getting the flu… was exposed rather well Monday morning…) So I sat down with my bowl of soup, some buttered toast and a glass of wine. The house was dark, no one home but me. Magnificent.

I sat there, watching the movie, finding a smile on my face or a tear in my eye. Just letting myself be however I might be. Hope? Yes, hope, sums up the entire movie. Never give up hope. Either get busy dying or get busy living. I guess I’ve gotten busy living, lately. I ain’t got time to die yet, there’s just too much left I want to do. From what I’ve heard, dying ain’t so bad once your dead. But, like I said, it’s time to live still and that’s my plan. No matter what you believe, if your heart’s still beating, you’ve got a reason to live.

What did I think of the movie? Definitely one worth watching, and I’m glad I did. I’d watch it again and I don’t say that often. There’s just too much to see and to read to bother repeating myself, but Shawshank Redemption? I’d do it again.

thank you for reading,

me

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Love. How Do I Protect Myself?

Love? Is that what it is? I’m not blind. I can see clearly. I can see your pain and it hurts me. I can see your fear and I become fearful. I pushed you away because I cannot handle it. Your fear, pain, and disappointment. Your hopelessness and your trauma. I can not be with you longer than a few minutes before you rub off on me. How can I help you to see the beauty and the miracles that surround us both? How can I help you to appreciate the small things in life? I don’t know how. Not yet. And so I distance myself. I am unable to handle so much negative emotion and so I leave you. Am I a failure for that? Am I wrong for leaving you in your hell so that I can climb out of mine?

As much as I hate my ex, I’m not blind to who he really is. All of my efforts to make things right, all of my efforts to fix the evils in that house were useless. I had to leave, he has to hit bottom before he will ever grow. We all do. I still see him as hurt and lost. I don’t think he sees it, though, and there’s nothing I can do about it. My time with him is over, he’s going to have to find someone else to help, or learn to help himself like I did.

I read. I read a lot. I read books on philosophy, on love, on dreams, and on money. I am in a constant state of learning, and because of this I am growing.

But it’s not just him, that I see. I see the stories behind the story. I see the angry old man and know that things were different when he was a child. I see the depressed woman and know that she once had dreams but now she’s given up on them all. I see the couple in debt who is afraid to dream for fear their dreams will never come true. I see the bedridden lady who refuses to become healthy because this is how she receives attention and she thinks if she weren’t ill that no one would love her. I see these. I also see the teen, who in her passion became pregnant. I know her fear and her embarrassment. I know what it’s like and how tragic life can become. I want to protect them all, I want to love them and to help them. But how? It hurts to allow their energy into my soul.

How can I protect myself from these? I isolate myself, pushing others away so that I can breathe. I run away to the water, to my boat, so that their energy does not reach me. Yet? As I take time to breathe, I cry. I let out my emotions so that they don’t control me. I let myself see God’s beauty in nature so that I can continue to see the beauty in those like these. For all are beautiful in their own way, yes all, even my ex. I love them and it hurts and so I take time for me.

thank you for reading,

me

Life On The Other side

I’m looking forward to what life will be like on the other side of this crazy ass divorce. A time where I have my own career and income. A time where I no longer even have to speak with him… two of the kids are still young so that may be a little while longer.

Once in a while I forget a little. I forget little things like having to defend myself or having to walk on egg shells… sometimes I even think, “Hey! Maybe he’s changed!”… Nope. He went and proved that he hasn’t all over again. “Thank you for the reminder!”

I feel sorry for his new girlfriend. She has no idea what she has in store for her! I almost want to warn her but I’ve learned enough already that wouldn’t help anyway. She has to do her own growing. I’ve done a bunch of growing, that’s for sure!

So what will life be like on the other side? I’m hoping for some peace, some bills paid, some fun traveling, and just general being around great people when I want to be around them. I’m hoping the kids grow up knowing they are loved by me and are worth more than anything else in this world to me. (Apparently not to him…)

What am I not looking forward to? My older two having to go through counseling because their father abandoned them. Sure, they haven’t been particularly forthcoming,  but they’re young. Just because you have a spat with your kids doesn’t mean you write them out of your will. Just saying. Just because they don’t worship you like the younger two doesn’t mean you don’t bother with birthday or Christmas presents or whatever…

I used to think he was a good father, despite everything. I know better now. But I do remember when I gave birth to our first child. I remember how he was so ecstatic that he couldn’t even count all of her toes and fingers. I remember how immeasurably happy he seemed to be. How has he forgotten? I don’t think he has forgotten, I think he just never realized they wouldn’t always worship him.

So now, again, I am reminded why I left and why I should never regret it. Today he decided to not have them as beneficiaries to his life insurance nor his investments. I say them, but really? He only wrote out two of his four children. Really? What an ass. I don’t care so much what he has to say to me or about me, but these are my kids (his kids). I don’t get it.

But I must say, thank you for the reminder. And thank you for proving to me, and to others, again, that I made the right decision to leave you. Thank you for providing further confirmation of the type of being you truly are. And, to your new friends and girlfriend, I’m sorry but it’s not my circus anymore. Have fun and enjoy the ride!

thank you for reading,

me

ps. and thank you for continuing to provide the court required health insurance for all of your children. They’re going to need that counseling after all.

2018 Here I Come

How is this year going to be different from all the previous ones so far?

I will make debt repayment automatic and concentrate on abundance instead. I have the capability to earn plenty of money and I can afford the things I need and want. My bills will be easily paid and my income will increase quickly.

I will be publishing my book and others will find happiness because of what I’ve written. Because of what I have already written, others will learn how they too can attain their freedom.

My children and I will be closer. We will have time together that will be precious and fun. They will love their learning and love their new home. I will be there for them and, now that I am graduated and working, I also provide well for them. Together we are learning how to make money grow and work for us more. Now money comes easily and frequently and we begin to wonder at the benefits of having time and money to play.

I can afford it. I have abundance. I have the ability now to share my income with others in need. Finally, I am able to pay forward what others have done for me.

We all remain healthy and happy. Our lifestyle now reflects the abundance of energy that we all have. We are active and helpful in our community and because of this we are developing incredible friendships. All of us are experiencing a life we never dreamed possible a short five years ago.

These are just some of the things this year will bring me. My house will be repaired, my boat will be improved. My body will gain strength and my heart will stay strong. I am writing this now so that the world may know that I am here. I am ready for this time, I am ready to excel, to have increase. I am ready to show love and abundance to all around me. I am ready.

thank you for reading,

me

 

Morning Thoughts…

Almost Christmas… My tree is small, my bank account is empty, and I can see the back of my cupboard and freezer… money will come soon but it’s definitely tight right now. I wonder why I put myself here and realize I really didn’t. Life has been difficult for the past several years. The ex has been slow on everything. When I moved out he refused to pay child support (and the mortgage) for three months, so credit cards went crazy high… Then with the kids relying on me for everything (and my inability to say no yet) what money I did have went to them and their lives… No one knew how tight things were and no one understood why I would say no sometimes. I can’t blame them, though. I didn’t tell anyone I was out of money. I didn’t tell anyone that I couldn’t afford to pay for their gas, or their dining out… I paid for the wedding that wasn’t meant to be and now I am stuck with more bills than I can pay.

Now what? I wait. I wait for more student loans to come in, I wait for graduation, and I wait for a job. I remind myself that this time is limited. One day, one day soon, I will be able to pay all of my bills. I will be able to say yes to my kids without worrying. I will be able to live my life on my terms. I look forward to those days.

In the meantime? I still live. I make the most of what we do have. I remember we are extremely well off. We have a roof over our heads, heat, clothes, cars and pets. We are all in good health and are happy. Sure, it would be nice to be able to answer the phone (the bill collectors are beginning to get angry). It would be nice to go out to eat whenever we want. It sure would have been nice to have a big tree this Christmas. My younger two kids just couldn’t quite understand why we had to stay small. That was hard. But, we are all learning. We are learning that things are just things and that it’s OK to eat leftovers and to eat at home. We are learning that the house looks better when we stay home.

I could get upset, and sometimes I do. But I remind myself of the good things and that this life is mine. I remind myself that I don’t mind going home any longer. I remind myself that I have made it the sanctuary that I had only dreamed of. I remind myself that our lives are so much better, happier, safer, than they were a short three years ago. Yes, being broke is hard, annoying, especially around Christmas; but it’s worth it.

thank you for reading,

me

Fighting Nature

Yesterday it was sunny and in the 60s in December in North Carolina. I love NC with its ever-changing weather. They say here that if you don’t like the weather today then check back next week because it will surely be different. Today the weather is rainy and in the 50s, I love it. Tomorrow will be cooler more and then by Christmas Eve we will be back up to pushing 70.

I knew the weather would be changing so I took my younger two to the boat yesterday. We drove the two hours without much fuss and then on the boat, just the three of us. I motored out of the marina and onto the Pamlico until we found some open space deep enough to set the sail. There’s just something to setting the sail and turning off the engine that is difficult to explain. The peace? The power? The quiet? When the wind fills up the sail and the boat slides through the water I know that life is going to be okay.

Maybe it’s the rules of nature? Maybe that’s the reason I love being near the water? When the rest of the world is in chaos, nature is firm, solid. Nature never fails to do what she wants to do. She brings her storms and her winds; her rain and her sun. She brings these and we must submit to them, work around them. Nature is a guarantee of things to come. You can count on her changing her mind and on her making her rounds.

The sun will rise and set again. The winds will come and leave. The rains will fall and the rivers will fill. Nature. Nature will change her course with the seasons but she will always continue. As humans we can either fight her or welcome her and that can make such a difference. In the boat when I face up wind I have very little hope of sailing, yet when I turn and face downwind I can sail as far as the water allows.There is a constant bargaining with her as I attempt to arrive at my destination. Nature is always true to herself, she knows who she is.

Back in the city, however, there is the chaos. The constant fighting of nature and never allowing her to be: the coats and umbrellas, the cars and the horns, the noise of the people, the lights and decorations. People have always fought Nature like no other being on the planet. That, I think, is what sets us apart so much. Without fighting Nature, there would be no libraries, no hospitals, no towns. Fighting her has its place. Harnessing her, though? That has power. Harness the wind and I can sail. Others harness the wind for electricity. How many ways do we harness energy from her? wind, water, sun, coal, oil, fire… Without her we are nothing. We cannot even eat without bargaining with her.

When I leave the chaos and join Nature in her fury, I feel her power and I am comforted. I know that despite everything, she will continue her patterns. She will continue well beyond anything I ever do. When people leave her alone, she will turn their creations back to dust. Nature. When we die we will be turned back to dust as well. She is a reminder to me that the chaos is limited. No matter what others say or do, they are limited. I am renewed having emersed myself in her, ready to live another day in the chaos.

thank you for reading,

me

Morning Coffee

I awoke quietly from my slumber this morning. It was as if there was a slowly increasing awareness of daylight. I was comfortable and warm lying there in my bed. I had nowhere to go and no reason to get up. No one else has claim upon my day today. If I wanted I could stay in bed forever. Instead, my body rolls over and snuggles the dogs a few more minutes. I lie there enjoying the warmth and the companionship. Why should I get up this morning? No reason, but I do. I’m not upset, not excited, I’m just here being me. I let the dogs outside and I start a cup of coffee. It’s about seven in the morning, a little later than normal but just fine.

My coffee is in my favorite mug. I went to the fair last year and carefully touched and held several different hand-made mugs until I found the one that felt just right. It has a lovely little bump where my thumb lies and it feels good in my hand. It’s not too big and not too small. I may never drink from another mug in my life, I like this one so much.

It may not look like much but this is my favorite mug. (Just finished my coffee, so it’s empty.)

I sat down in my chair and sipped on my coffee thinking about my day and just letting myself decide what I want to do. Today I could have gone to little Washington and looked around some; and I could have gone and cleaned up some on my boat as well. But instead I’ve decided to stay home with the kids. Christmas break is just beginning for them and the time is already flying by. I’m happy with my decision to stay home.

Life can throw so many curve balls that it can be hard, sometimes, to figure out which way is up. I love living life fully, even if that means a day goes by where I don’t actually do anything. That’s part of living. Living has ups and downs, hard balls and easy tosses. Life is about accepting each day with all of its roller coaster rides. It’s about accepting that sometimes there’s wind blowing into your sails and sometimes the waters are flat. None of it is ‘wrong’ it’s just part of living.

The hard part is recognizing that life is supposed to be with all of these extremes. Life is meant to be lived with ups and downs. I grow when I face the struggles, and I rest and heal on days like today. It’s about taking care of myself and knowing that it’s okay to do so. It’s simple, not easy, accepting life for what it is.

thank you for reading,

me