Abuse? Freedom? Embracing Who I Really Am

I’ve written a number of blogs on abuse, why do I keep ‘harping’ on it? Because it’s a scar on the soul. It’s something that has shaped who I am. I’m reminded of the broken pottery that is repaired with gold. The pottery is stronger and more beautiful than ever before it was broken.

Related image

The scars are still there, the surface is still changed, no longer smooth. But if it weren’t for the scars the beauty may be missed. Now, the challenge ahead is to take joy in my scars and allow others to see my beauty. For now I am stronger than ever I have been. Without these scars who would I be? I wouldn’t be me. It is when I try to cover my scars, to hide who I am, that I begin to feel lost again. I encourage you to embrace your journey, learn from it, grow from it, but don’t hide from it. My journey is one from abuse to freedom, without the abuse I may have never become free. It is because of my scars that I am me.

thank you for reading,



Life On The Other side

I’m looking forward to what life will be like on the other side of this crazy ass divorce. A time where I have my own career and income. A time where I no longer even have to speak with him… two of the kids are still young so that may be a little while longer.

Once in a while I forget a little. I forget little things like having to defend myself or having to walk on egg shells… sometimes I even think, “Hey! Maybe he’s changed!”… Nope. He went and proved that he hasn’t all over again. “Thank you for the reminder!”

I feel sorry for his new girlfriend. She has no idea what she has in store for her! I almost want to warn her but I’ve learned enough already that wouldn’t help anyway. She has to do her own growing. I’ve done a bunch of growing, that’s for sure!

So what will life be like on the other side? I’m hoping for some peace, some bills paid, some fun traveling, and just general being around great people when I want to be around them. I’m hoping the kids grow up knowing they are loved by me and are worth more than anything else in this world to me. (Apparently not to him…)

What am I not looking forward to? My older two having to go through counseling because their father abandoned them. Sure, they haven’t been particularly forthcoming,  but they’re young. Just because you have a spat with your kids doesn’t mean you write them out of your will. Just saying. Just because they don’t worship you like the younger two doesn’t mean you don’t bother with birthday or Christmas presents or whatever…

I used to think he was a good father, despite everything. I know better now. But I do remember when I gave birth to our first child. I remember how he was so ecstatic that he couldn’t even count all of her toes and fingers. I remember how immeasurably happy he seemed to be. How has he forgotten? I don’t think he has forgotten, I think he just never realized they wouldn’t always worship him.

So now, again, I am reminded why I left and why I should never regret it. Today he decided to not have them as beneficiaries to his life insurance nor his investments. I say them, but really? He only wrote out two of his four children. Really? What an ass. I don’t care so much what he has to say to me or about me, but these are my kids (his kids). I don’t get it.

But I must say, thank you for the reminder. And thank you for proving to me, and to others, again, that I made the right decision to leave you. Thank you for providing further confirmation of the type of being you truly are. And, to your new friends and girlfriend, I’m sorry but it’s not my circus anymore. Have fun and enjoy the ride!

thank you for reading,


ps. and thank you for continuing to provide the court required health insurance for all of your children. They’re going to need that counseling after all.

Morning Thoughts…

Almost Christmas… My tree is small, my bank account is empty, and I can see the back of my cupboard and freezer… money will come soon but it’s definitely tight right now. I wonder why I put myself here and realize I really didn’t. Life has been difficult for the past several years. The ex has been slow on everything. When I moved out he refused to pay child support (and the mortgage) for three months, so credit cards went crazy high… Then with the kids relying on me for everything (and my inability to say no yet) what money I did have went to them and their lives… No one knew how tight things were and no one understood why I would say no sometimes. I can’t blame them, though. I didn’t tell anyone I was out of money. I didn’t tell anyone that I couldn’t afford to pay for their gas, or their dining out… I paid for the wedding that wasn’t meant to be and now I am stuck with more bills than I can pay.

Now what? I wait. I wait for more student loans to come in, I wait for graduation, and I wait for a job. I remind myself that this time is limited. One day, one day soon, I will be able to pay all of my bills. I will be able to say yes to my kids without worrying. I will be able to live my life on my terms. I look forward to those days.

In the meantime? I still live. I make the most of what we do have. I remember we are extremely well off. We have a roof over our heads, heat, clothes, cars and pets. We are all in good health and are happy. Sure, it would be nice to be able to answer the phone (the bill collectors are beginning to get angry). It would be nice to go out to eat whenever we want. It sure would have been nice to have a big tree this Christmas. My younger two kids just couldn’t quite understand why we had to stay small. That was hard. But, we are all learning. We are learning that things are just things and that it’s OK to eat leftovers and to eat at home. We are learning that the house looks better when we stay home.

I could get upset, and sometimes I do. But I remind myself of the good things and that this life is mine. I remind myself that I don’t mind going home any longer. I remind myself that I have made it the sanctuary that I had only dreamed of. I remind myself that our lives are so much better, happier, safer, than they were a short three years ago. Yes, being broke is hard, annoying, especially around Christmas; but it’s worth it.

thank you for reading,



7 Ways to Waste a Perfectly Good Day…

How do you waste a perfectly good day and still have a perfectly good day? I feel like a pro. Let me give you some pointers:

1 – Don’t plan what you’re going to wear the night before. Don’t do anything the night before that will require you to do anything in the morning. This is important. If you plan something it needs to be canceled or you will ruin your perfect chance for a wasting a perfectly good day.

2 – Once you get in bed, stay there. Read something useless until you feel sleepy then let yourself go to sleep. A perfect day really does begin the night before. It’s important that you set yourself up just right or you may ruin your chance for a perfect day.

3 – Finally, morning has arrived, the sun has risen, your eyes have opened of their own accord because they are so used to opening in the morning. Don’t worry, just lay there a few minutes longer. There’s nothing to do and nowhere to go. Lay there, check out your Facebook feed, read some more… anything… just Do Not Get Out Of Bed, not until there is absolutely no chance of falling back to sleep.

4 – The time has come, you’ve gotta pee and you aren’t even the slightest bit sleepy any longer. Good. Go ahead, get up but don’t get dressed. There’s no reason to, not yet. Heck, this is your day, you don’t even have to get dressed unless you just want to.

5 – Now if you must, which of course I did, go to the kitchen and fix yourself a cup of coffee. Stand there, wait, do nothing… watch it brew and just enjoy the anticipation of holding that warm cup and sipping it in peace. Take it to a place to sit comfortably and just let yourself be with your coffee for as long as you need. This is excellent for you… being still and being present to now and nothing else. This is what you’ve been told you need to do more than once. Just be still for a few and let yourself feel or think anything that comes up or nothing at all. You will be better for this, trust me.

6 – As the morning changes to noon to afternoon and then evening just marvel at the fact that you were able to sit still for so long. You are merely thanking your body for all the hard work that it has put forth over the last few weeks. Your body deserves this amazing break and you deserve to enjoy it as well.

7 – As nighttime approaches put a movie on, drink a beer (or a cider like I do), put your feet up and end your day on a positive note. Popcorn might be a good idea but only if it’s not too much work.  Praise yourself for letting yourself rest. You’ve done well.

There are other things that you can do to waste a perfectly good day and still keep it perfectly good but why bother? Wasting the day away is what the goal was and you’ve done well, adding more might just ruin all of your hard work. I have thoroughly enjoyed wasting my perfectly good day. Tomorrow will be different and busy, but today? Today was a perfectly wasted perfectly good day.

thank you for reading,



Living MY Life

I woke up early this morning having remembered another dream. I try to write them down before I forget them. I find it interesting how my subconscious works and whenever I get to see a picture of it after a dream I grasp at it in order to learn more about myself. It seems I’ve been on this long trail of discovering who I am since I am no longer being held back by my past… The weirdest thing of all is that when I put my past behind me is that my future became a giant possibility. I literally could become anything or anyone I want to become and it’s weird. I like the word weird… not quite scary, not quite fun… different, weird.

The part of my dream that I was able to capture was like being in a 3D movie as if I was flying a plane off of a cliff and then dipping down and finally leveling off safely ahead. My first impression when I woke up was that I was scared of my future. But I don’t worry about being scared anymore. Fear is healthy, it helps me plan and tests me. Fear is something I follow now so that I can understand me. I’ve discovered that as I follow my fears that I am able to grow and that life on the other side can be amazing.

Last night was the first night I spoke to another person about my intentions of moving, the first time I verbally said that I am going to relocate after I graduate. Up until now I’d say I was thinking about it, not that I actually am going to do it. Words have power. When I said I am moving it became real for me and so fear set in. It’s like jumping off of a cliff and then learning to fly and finally soar.

I’m excited, I’m scared. I’m beginning to create my life as I would have it look and it’s an amazing feeling. Now that I’ve said “I am moving,” I will take action, real action. Whenever I make a final decision followed by action, my results are guaranteed. I sometimes take forever to come to a decision, but once made, things move quickly. And I’m certain things will move quickly now… I graduate in May, pharmacy boards after, and job… I’m less than 6 months from when I plan on moving. Wow! scary… exciting.

Do something scary today, let yourself grow.

thanks for reading,



Thoughts? A book…

Lately, my life has made some extremely wonderful turns. I’m newly single, building a life that I love; yet already in love with life. I’ve traveled through hell and back and I’ve survived. I’ve done more than one person ought to do and I’ve made life happen despite it all. So, I did something. Like many of you who read this, I’ve decided to write a book. A book about my journey so that I can set it out there for others so that they maybe can believe in themselves again. I’ve decided to be vulnerable, letting it all out. Trusting that there are those around me who need me to stand up and stand out. Trusting that there are many out there who need someone like me to start it all.

I remember being alone, feeling alone, feeling hopeless. I was alone. I didn’t have someone to stand up beside me until I made that giant first step. What if there is another person just waiting to make the step to freedom but is too scared to stand alone? What if that person just needs to know that she (or he) is not alone? What if everyone knew? This world could change, it would change. Abuse would not be a dirty little secret any longer. What if a woman could stand up in her church and tell the truth? What if the church told her more than to pray for her husband? What if?

So, the truth is, dear readers, I have written my book already. I’ve been open and vulnerable and honest about my journey. I have friends reading it now. At first to see if it was worth putting out there, and now to see how I can make it more readable and with fewer mistakes. The feedback so far is that I must put this out there. I wrote it like my life depended on it. I wrote every morning before the sun rose and each evening past when the house was quiet. I wrote daily for weeks, months really, until this past summer when I finally finished it. My journey is not over but I ended the book so that I could bring it to completion. I look forward to putting it out there soon. Be waiting. It has a trigger warning in the beginning and yet I hope that does not stop you. It is my path to freedom, my journey, yet it is also yours who have no voice yet. It is for you.

thank you for reading,



The Hell of Emotional Abuse

Do not discount yourself. So many people compare themselves to others. They decide they aren’t in hell, exactly, because ‘someone else has it worse’… I say stop it. Stop. Yes, some people have it worse than you and some people don’t. That’s normal. But that does not mean you are not both experiencing a form of hell.

If you are in an emotional abusive relationship do not say, ‘at least I’m not being beat every day’. All that does is discount what you are going through. I promise you, I wished he would just hit me, just get it over with already. If I’d had a damn bruise I might have moved out sooner… but you see? I did have bruises, I had bruises on my soul. Just because someone doesn’t throw a fist into you does not mean that person is not abusive.

Do not discount the implied violence and the soul wrenching guilt trips. Do not discount how you feel. Emotional abuse is like taking a trip on a crazy roller coaster in pitch black. You have no idea if around the next curve you will be falling into the abyss or climbing a mountain. You have no idea from one moment to the next whether you will be loved or hated. That feeling in your gut, that spark of fire burning there? That is your sign of how things truly are.

If you are scared and you can’t figure out why. If you are worried about the stupid shit that doesn’t even matter, things like messing up and forgetting something or not taking out the trash or having the car filled up or whatever… shit that doesn’t matter in five years… If you just can’t seem to be good enough no matter how hard you try… Or even worse, you’ve been put on some stupid pedestal and so if you make the slightest, tiniest error, you’ve failed… Yeah. Those things. Just because you don’t have a bruise doesn’t mean it’s not abuse.

So what if he doesn’t yell at you, yelling isn’t required either. There’s still the looks of displeasure and the cold shoulders or, heaven forbid, the silent treatments. Emotional abuse is one of the most destructive forms of abuse out there. Rather than destroy the outside of a person the inside is the target. The very being, the core of who you are, is the target. Not only do you have to fight it by yourself you begin to wonder why you fight and then you quit and you forget why you had any worth at all.

Then you begin to believe his lies. His lies that there’s no one else who could possibly love you. His lies that you may need some anger management because you burst into tears because he’s disappointed again. His lies that the only reason he stays is because he feels sorry for you, for there’s no way you’d ever survive on your own because you are just too stupid.

You can’t even do the checkbook right. Don’t you even know how to add? Seriously? Why would you buy something for you? Why on earth would you get yourself something from the store? Who cares if you like oatmeal or grits when no one else does? Why did you buy that? Don’t you think you need some rest? You look tired you should go to bed… And then gratefully thank him and go to bed only to be awoken an hour later because you need to put the kids to bed and turn out the lights and lock the doors because that’s your job and if you don’t do it then it won’t get done… How dare you get angry when all you have to do is take care of the house and kids! He works for a living, he pays for everything. You should be grateful… but you look so tired honey, why don’t you go get some rest.

What do you do then? How do you defend yourself from an enemy who is constantly changing? The only thing you can count on is that his mood will be different in a few minutes, maybe better, maybe worse. Some recognize it as ‘walking on eggshells’ trying to be quiet. No matter what step you take you make noise. There just isn’t any thing you can do. Emotional abuse is like that. It’s so far deep into the cave that you don’t know how to find your way out again. You are so lost that you begin to try to make the best of the dark and the dirt and the rocks. You’ve forgotten that there really is air and sky and rain and wind and not just the stale, old musty, mildewy dirt. When you are in the midst of an emotional abusive relationship it’s hard to find your way out.

So, yes, you are living in hell and yes you are in a hell just as bad or worse than others. Everyone’s hell is different but this one is yours. Do not discount yourself, do not make light of the fact you have no bruises. Hell is still hell and there is no comparison.

If I have described your version of hell then forgive me. I find peace in finding words. Words can draw pictures that help others to see.

thank you for reading,