Living MY Life

I woke up early this morning having remembered another dream. I try to write them down before I forget them. I find it interesting how my subconscious works and whenever I get to see a picture of it after a dream I grasp at it in order to learn more about myself. It seems I’ve been on this long trail of discovering who I am since I am no longer being held back by my past… The weirdest thing of all is that when I put my past behind me is that my future became a giant possibility. I literally could become anything or anyone I want to become and it’s weird. I like the word weird… not quite scary, not quite fun… different, weird.

The part of my dream that I was able to capture was like being in a 3D movie as if I was flying a plane off of a cliff and then dipping down and finally leveling off safely ahead. My first impression when I woke up was that I was scared of my future. But I don’t worry about being scared anymore. Fear is healthy, it helps me plan and tests me. Fear is something I follow now so that I can understand me. I’ve discovered that as I follow my fears that I am able to grow and that life on the other side can be amazing.

Last night was the first night I spoke to another person about my intentions of moving, the first time I verbally said that I am going to relocate after I graduate. Up until now I’d say I was thinking about it, not that I actually am going to do it. Words have power. When I said I am moving it became real for me and so fear set in. It’s like jumping off of a cliff and then learning to fly and finally soar.

I’m excited, I’m scared. I’m beginning to create my life as I would have it look and it’s an amazing feeling. Now that I’ve said “I am moving,” I will take action, real action. Whenever I make a final decision followed by action, my results are guaranteed. I sometimes take forever to come to a decision, but once made, things move quickly. And I’m certain things will move quickly now… I graduate in May, pharmacy boards after, and job… I’m less than 6 months from when I plan on moving. Wow! scary… exciting.

Do something scary today, let yourself grow.

thanks for reading,

me

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Another Week in my Pediatric Rotation

This past week has been hard. We’ve lost two little ones (ages 2 and 8), told bad news to another set of parents, and tried hard to prove nothing was wrong with yet another. Every time I see these kids I see my own and wonder if I am being helpful or just in the way. My heart breaks seeing their parents’ hearts being torn in two. I hate sickness and death. I want to take away their pain and take it on myself. But I can’t, I’m not strong enough. When I see them hurt or crying it’s as if I am the one hurt or crying. The emotions I feel are so intense. I’m trying to learn how to protect myself. I asked another pharmacist how she does it every day. “I learn to compartmentalize.” I understand it, but I’m not very good at it. I can feel all of the emotions all at once and it’s overwhelming! How can I even think clearly when I care so much? How do I be the best pharmacist I can possibly be? How can I continue on my path without giving up?

Yesterday I was allowed to be present at a delivery. This one gave me hope. The baby was delivered via cesarean and was a healthy 8 pounds 1 ounce (about 4 kg), screaming, gorgeous baby girl. I wanted to cry for joy along with the parents. When I left the operating room I went directly back to my team to find them in a room with a baby born at 23 weeks and only now weighing 0.7 kg. So tiny! All the other babies I saw on my shift were premies or high risk infants. I was in the neonatal ICU all day. One baby was discharged home and the mother broke down in tears, a great day for one mother. And yet another was still wondering if her’s was ever going to go home.

I have the heart for these children. I am a fantastic, caring person, but in order to survive these emotions I have to get away. I’m grateful that I bought the boat I bought. My timing may be a little off, money-wise, but exactly when I need it time-wise. I come home every day and hug my kids tight. I’m more aware of them and how much they mean to me than I’ve ever been. Life is too short for pettiness.

Life is short, don’t let it slide by unnoticed.

thank you for reading,

me

Pediatric Rotations

Many think that pharmacy isn’t like the rest. We, as pharmacists, are often thought of as lesser, unnecessary individuals, at least until they need us. When they need us though, they love the knowledge that we have. I’m in the midst of one of my rotations and this one is with pediatrics at a large hospital. Yes, pharmacists are necessary and needed here. Below is what I wrote after the first day there.

“Day one of peds rotation and its after 10 at night and I’m crying already. The patients I have today are sick, really sick. I was assured earlier that most of our patients aren’t like these because these are in a special ward. But these are still these. I’ve never known DiGeorge syndrome and I’m grateful that I haven’t. Three of the 8 kids on my list are DNAR and they’re just babies. DNAR means “do not attempt resuscitation”. How do people do this day in and day out? How can I? So many medicines! Such little bodies! The slightest error on a med could cause serious damage, permanent damage or even cause them to die. And yet, many of these will die early anyway. I don’t question God, not tonight, but I feel for the parents and the kids who have never known not getting poked or prodded. Who’ve never had a chance to fly. But I am not one to know that they don’t fly somehow. Each person has their place, even these. Life is short but for them? So much shorter and yet it feels so long when they suffer.

I’m going to get my boat tomorrow night. I’ll drive up there and spend the night and then we will set sail on Friday morning, early. I’m excited, scared, and wanting to wait but I NEED this now. I NEED to get out there and recharge for next week. I’ve gotta take care of me or I’m not going to make this. Time for bed.”

I did go and get my boat. I love it. I stayed on it for three nights and three days as I learned from the previous owner how to sail. We sailed it down a little closer than it was, yet it’s not yet to its home… I have to take care of myself when life gets hard and I’m glad to have the boat to do that. I’ll be writing more about her later.

Today, though, was another hard day on rotation. Today we learned that one of the babies, really she’s two, will be removed from her life supporting ventilator in the near future. She has no hope for recovery and her parents have been holding on for a glimpse, a sign, anything they can. They’ve decided it’s time and despite what you think, they may be right. It’s not my place to judge them. I have not lived in their shoes and God am I grateful! I nearly cried when I heard the news but I held it in. Then when it was time to go home the tears began to flow on my drive. Even now they threaten to fall.

All of these children! It’s different when you get to grow old and die after having lived a long and fruitful life. That’s different, that’s the way it’s supposed to be. But when you’ve just barely had a chance and that chance was never one out of the hospital? What is life for? What is their purpose for being here? What can we learn? What can they show us?

There’s really a lot we can learn. We can be reminded that life is indeed short, whether you die at two or at 102. Life races by. We can learn to live our lives to the best of our abilities. We can learn to be grateful for our own problems. I’ve heard that if we were given a chance to trade problems with another we’d beg to have our old ones back.

We can also learn that when we have a chance to make a decision that many of our decisions don’t affect only ourselves. We might, and often are, affecting others. Some of these children wouldn’t be in the hospital if their parents had taken charge of their health. Some of the children are recovering from addictions that their parents have. Some of them are suffering from malnutrition and abuse. Some of them are there because of a genetic malfunction. There are so many things to learn!

Even our genetics are things we have some control over. Have you heard of epigenetics? What you do, whether you exercise or not, what you eat, what your mother ate, whether your father smoked? These all change how OUR genes are expressed. So even some of these can be better controlled and prevented. We are barely learning the tip of the iceberg.

Do me a favor. Go love on your babies, your mothers and fathers. Go hug your friends and kiss your spouses. Life is what we make of it. I vote we make it good!

thanks for reading,

me

Underwhelmed?

Underwhelmed… I’m up but I’m not feeling it today. I have a list of things I need to accomplish but I don’t want to do any of them. I want to go back to sleep but I’m not tired. I even went back to bed and put a pillow over my head; didn’t work. It’s a fine hour to be awake, not even early at almost 8. I did get up, and I decided to come and sit and write. I’m sipping on my coffee and hopefully that will help.

Things on my list today include: running to the post office, studying, working on my business, making a call to insurance for my son, going to the park with a girlfriend, and selling a dog igloo. I don’t go back on rotation until next week.

Things I ought to consider working on: my bees (they need winterizing), my house needs cleaning, my lawn needs mowing, my bed needs changing. I ought to think of cooking and showering and calling the internet guys. Sweeping would be useful as well.

What I really want? This is the problem… not a problem, but at a standstill momentarily… I want to go sailing. I want to go up and get my boat (yes I’m buying it!) and sail it down. I want to feel the breeze in my hair (even if it is short), listen to the waves, watch the sails, and just feel the peace which comes when I’m on the ocean waters. I want to smell the salty scents of the water and feel the spray from the splashes. I want to stand proud and calm, knowing that I am living a life that I love and knowing that when I do so I give others permission to do so as well. That’s what I want.

I want to be done with my school so I can move forward with my consulting. I want to help others be healthy and help them to take control of their lives. I want to be able to jump-start their lives, their dreams, so they can begin to live again. That’s what I want too. I want others to see their own spark and to help them to grow it into a burning flame, a raging fire. I want others to see their worth and know that a life they love is possible.

Am I asking too much? Nope. Not at all. I’m likely not asking enough. This is a great big amazing world we live in. Anything we dream is possible. If you can think it, it can happen. What do you want?

thanks for reading,

me

 

Living into a dream

Living into a dream life is interesting. I have goals, tangible ones, and I want to achieve them. But, I’m a lot like most people: big goals, little action. The question today is how do I move beyond what ‘everyone else is doing’ to who I truly want to be? I’m great on a deadline. I am fantastic at procrastinating until the last minute. But this won’t help in the long term. Great for tests but not so much for things like getting out of debt. For the long term I need to be consistent on the little things. Debt for example, would mean consistently eating at home, buying fewer things, selling things that don’t matter to me, paying attention to the money I do have. For school? I know there’s the boards coming in May and June. I want to be ready to fly with those. I want to be an excellent pharmacist and I want to be trustworthy. How do I achieve something like that? The little things again? Of course. I need to study daily and to learn as much as I can. But I see it as an exam… which I normally cram for… Do you see my dilemma?

My life is full of so many things and I live rather randomly most of the time. I’m good in an emergency because I’m great at flying from the seat of my pants; but I don’t want to wait for an emergency to get things done anymore. I love the part of me that decides to go to the beach on a dime and the part of me that can sit and watch a movie with my kids instead of doing anything else. I like who I am. (I could write a book on that statement!) I love life’s interruptions. But, that’s the problem. If I want to reach my tangible goals then I need to set aside time to achieve them. I need to break them down and work them in parts so that I actually succeed. Part of the problem in the past has been that I allowed others to control my time. I have finally learned to say no to something good in order to do something great. I hate it though. I am still learning to manage my time and I’m doing better.

My writing isn’t part of my goals, which is odd. My writing is for my mental health instead. Each morning I wake up early just so I can have some time for just me. I treasure this time so much that I get out of bed despite feeling tired. I’ve made it a habit. If I can make writing a habit then I can also make using my time wisely a habit as well. Is that what I need then? Goals that excite me? Goals that I can’t stop thinking about? Living a life that I dream? Living a life that I love so much that finding the time to build it is easy? That must be the key. If I’m ambivalent toward something I’ll never do it. Again, my passion, is what I need to ignite. I am a passionate woman, I just need to let myself be who I am.

Being debt free doesn’t excite me, not in the slightest! What about being able to actually know that no one owns me? That sounds a lot better. If no one owned me or my time how would I be? I can feel the weight lifting off of my shoulders as I think of this. Now this is a goal I can feel. This is something I can become passionate about. How do I achieve this? There are so many possibilities!

thank you for reading,

me

A Day in Little Washington

The littles and I spent a day in Washington, NC a couple of days ago. We got up early, ate breakfast, packed a couple of snacks and jumped into the car. About two hours later we arrived at the waterfront in Little Washington. First we bought hotdogs at Bill’s Hotdogs. Excellent dogs for a good price, I highly recommend it! Then we walked to the waterfront and sat down at a table and ate them. While we were sitting there a lovely four-year old girl with tight black curls and cute little bows sits with us and just smiles. Her smile is like sunshine and I think how wonderful it is that she can just be a child for a time.

There were some folks fishing from the floating dock. I decided to take the kids down there to see and feel the sea a little better. I ask them if they’ve caught anything yet. “Only a few little ones,” they say. Still, a few little ones is better than none and I’m happy for them. The dock is pretty cool, it goes up and down with the tides and the ramp adjusts from the shore. It was peaceful, relaxing, standing there for a few minutes.

Whenever I go to Washington, I have a sense of peace come over me. I find my steps slow along with my heart rate and I just want to take in the beauty of the place. I love the feeling of the breeze on my face and the sounds of the waves splashing along the sides of the boardwalk. My kids race ahead of me some and I continue to walk quietly. I stop to say hi to a boater, a live aboard like I want to be. We talk some of his boat and how he likes living there. He thanks me for saying hello, talks about how he moves his boat to different places and how if he wants to go to the gulf side he has it shipped for him over land. There’s something for me to learn from everyone I speak to.

Further down the boardwalk we gaze at all of the beautiful boats and start to pick and choose which kind we would like. We’re window shopping right now. There are a few on the hook in the river with dingys to come to shore. No sails are up right now and I wonder if the wind is too strong today or if it’s just because it’s a Monday and that’s the way things are. Most owners are either inside of their boats or at work somewhere. It’s an interesting feeling. I yearn for my chance to live like these and yet I am not jealous nor envious, I only see the possibility and am beginning to understand that there’s really no reason I cannot do the same. I look forward to that day more and more.

As we walk we approach the estuary portion that has been protected. The children lean over the rails watching for signs of turtles. Spitting in the water they wait and watch. I taught them a long time ago that it’s not proper to feed them but it’d be OK to spit and have them come and so the two of them are busily trying to hack up some spit to ‘feed’ the turtles. It’s quite a site and I love watching them. The turtles come, dozens of them. We lose count as we watch them. You can see the little heads from a distance and then when they arrive their bodies are of various sizes. One is a snapping turtle and reminds me of the king dragon in ‘How to Train a Dragon’, he’s so big. The kids ooh and awe and we all watch as the turtles vie for attention. Even the little fish jump at the chance to eat some spit. A lady goes by and says, “It’s not fair to spit, they’re not getting anything for their actions!” She laughs, though, and it’s all good.

As we turn around at the end of the boardwalk we go back to watching the boats. I meet a few more people and talk briefly about Washington and how much I love it here. One man says another place is better since it has more to do but he doesn’t understand how much I need the solitude for now. I’m looking to buy a boat not a house and so when the time comes where I can be with the multitudes again, I can do so. My front yard can be where ever I choose.

We went to other docks and finished our day with ice cream from Scoops. We waited for a rainstorm to pass and then finally made it back to my car a little wet and a lot of laughter. Days like this help to give me life while I go back to my town with its land-locked, high traffic, busyness, that tries to drive me insane. Breathing deeply and marking these sites at the waterfront helps me to make it another couple of weeks back at home.

thank you for reading,

me

 

Being Weird

Weird – out of the norm; state of being that allows unique and unfamiliar traits to be represented; not going with the status quo; being true to oneself; living an abundant life…

I like that word, weird. It’s very useful when you experience an emotion you’ve never experienced before. It’s useful when trying to describe something that is good but completely new. Weird.

I have found that I use that word frequently lately to describe where I am. As I come closer to graduation I am confronted with the fact that I get to choose my life. Weird. I get to decide whether to relocate or to stay local, whether to keep in touch with some people or not. I get to decide if I want to work in a hospital, or a clinic, or a store, or on my own. It’s like I have a multiple choice game, a choose my own adventure kind of life ahead of me. I can decide for myself whether I like the ocean or the mountains or the plains or whatever. I don’t have to do what I’ve always done any longer. The only word for it is weird. Weird.

Why is there no word for being able to choose your own life? Why is it that people typically fall into a place and just make the best, or the worst of it, rather than change the place? Why is it that all of the decisions in the past were based on what other people thought, or did, or didn’t do… why did others pave my path instead of myself? Weird. Seems it’s more common than not that we don’t actually choose which direction we go. Why not?

Why is it we are constantly trying to prove ourselves to people we don’t know or don’t like? Why do we try to do things that we know we don’t care for? Why do we work in places we hate, live in cities we can’t stand, and never ever dream? Weird.

Who is it that decided we would grow up and be a doctor, nurse, teacher, lawyer, game designer, architect? Did we decide it? Did we really choose? Or did we ‘take the advice’ of our parents, our teachers, our peers? Did we try something and fail and decide with only one failure to just give up? Did we decide we weren’t good enough? What a terrible loss! How did we decide to give power to others on how we live our own lives? Why didn’t we just do what we felt best? Why didn’t we get out our hatchets and carve our own path instead? Weird.

I love the word weird. I love being weird. I love creating my own life how I feel is best. I love the fear that comes with the unknown, the knowledge that if there’s a twinge of fear that it’s good, that I will be challenged. I can feel the fear, the excitement, physically. Now that I am learning to listen to myself, my own feelings, now that I am doing that I am beginning to use my body as a measure of which way to turn. If there is a crushing feeling in my chest, if I cannot breathe and my heart begins to break, then I know that is the wrong direction. If the fear is there, the anticipation, the opening of my lungs, the breathing deeply and enjoying the breath then I know that that is the better choice, the better path to follow. All of this time has been wasted listening only to my head, listening to the lies others have told me, and not listening to my heart. Weird.

Maybe we could all be a little more weird. Weird in our own individual ways. Maybe we can actually step up and into who we are meant to be. Maybe we can actually tell it like it is, speak truth in love and let others know how we feel. Maybe we have to start with ourselves. Maybe we need to learn to listen to our dreams, our own individual purpose. There is hope, there is peace but to get there you have to believe. Believe in yourself and trust in your power to accomplish more than you’ve ever knew possible. Let fear be your friend and your guide, who knows what’s on the other side of the bend? It may be a life that you love.

thanks for reading,

me