My Book – Conversations with my Therapist – A Path To Freedom

Imagine for yourself what it would be like to be free. Truly free. I allow you to be like a fly on the wall listening to the many conversations I had with my therapist. You get to read my mind as I go through some of the most intimidating, intimate, and private times of my life.

I’ve never written a book before now. It was definitely a daunting task. I believe, though, that all of my time and energy was more than worth it. May you be blessed in your journey.

Below is a link to my book, it’s available through Amazon.

https://www.amazon.com/s/ref=nb_sb_noss_2/135-8495823-2278467?url=search-alias%3Daps&field-keywords=Conversations+with+my+therapist

thank you for reading,

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My how life has changed!

Over the past several years I have struggled to learn more about me and about everything else, but mostly me. I decided to go to back to school where I struggled daily just trying to keep up. I learned how to use my brain again, how to remember things, and how to apply what I’ve learned. Most importantly I learned how to breathe again.

As a child each of us has a natural instinct to try new things, learn everything, touch anything, and test what works and doesn’t work. We are free like the wind and it’s all our parents can do to rein us in so that we don’t get hurt. As children our dreams are huge; president, astronaut, pilot, save the world… As we grow we fight for it and often lose to the mundanity of life. We forget who we really are and who we really want to be.

As a child I never thought I would be a pharmacist, my goal was to save the world. I was going to find the cure for HIV and end that disease forever. I had high hopes and I even worked in that field for a little while. Not once did I think I would become a pharmacist.

The years passed, I had kids, lived a ‘normal’ life and just plodded along. I began to notice that things didn’t make sense anymore. I began to see that there were skeletons hanging everywhere, not just in people’s closets. It became obvious that things were off. Dreams had been squashed, projects unfinished, hopes discarded, and life was almost unbearable.

I decided to make a change. I went back to school. While schooling I still held certain beliefs in my gut. I didn’t believe that I was smart, or that I had any power whatsoever. My belief in me was below that of a snail. I had rather be hurt than let another and so I entered school as a mouse in a trap. I was timid, careful, untrusting, and above all other things scared. I had no idea who I really was or how I was supposed to be or act.

Now? Five years have gone by. Five amazing, event filled years! I have cried, screamed, dreamed, and even thought about killing myself. I continued though. There was always just a little something, a little spark somewhere inside, that wouldn’t let me quit. I would grit my teeth, wipe my eyes, blow my nose, and keep on going. I wanted to quit, I wanted to hide, I wanted to just disappear more times than I can count.

Sometimes I did disappear. Once in a while I would take off for a weekend and come back a little better. What, though, did I learn? I learned: I am smart, I am beautiful, I can do this, I do deserve good things, and I am important. How did I learn all of this? One tiny, awful, step at a time. One bruise, scratch, head ache, sleepless night, at a time. The tiniest of motion forward despite all of the negativity. I just stayed in motion, no matter what.

If I could help you with one thing, by telling you the thing that made the biggest impact? What would it be? Would it be study harder? Sleep less? No. On the contrary, it would be rest. Rest often. Stop, be still, breathe. Smell the flowers and watch the sun set. Life is worth living, take the time to enjoy it. It sums up as one thing, take care of yourself.

The biggest lesson I have learned is to take care of me. I hope that you will join me in life by remembering to take care of you. You deserve it, you are smart, you are beautiful, you are important. It’s true, you are.

thank you for reading,

me

Introducing Me

Now that I’ve run this blog for several years and now that I am now free from a lot of stuff… and now that I’ve graduated… and now that I have a book that’s almost ready to be published… I guess it’s time to out myself. My name is Wendi. I’m a 45 year old woman who loves hard and cries hard. Life is short and I’m done hiding.

This was taken at my graduation pary. I was ‘hatted’ and ‘laid’ when I walked in the door.

There are a lot of things that I regret in my past, and if you want to know it just read my posts. But, those things are only one side of who I am. The other side of me, the sensitive, forgiving, loving side; the part of me that I actually like, that part wouldn’t be there if it weren’t for the ugly parts. My life has been shaped, molded, over all of these years into who I am today. I like who I am today, so why would I give up on that. Some days it’s harder to forgive than others, but I’ve learned to love myself. I’ve learned to be gentle with myself, as well as with others. Being gentle makes all the difference. Life is about the little things, always the little things. So be kind to yourself today, let yourself breathe, let yourself stop for a moment and be still. Love yourself, you deserve it too.

thank you for reading,

me

Graduation day!

It’s here. Finally! I’ve worked my tail off for 5 years. I’ve cried, laughed, screamed, and prayed. The roller coaster that is my life has finally taken another turn. The future is unknown but provides huge possibility. Once I pass my boards I will be a licensed pharmacist. Today though, I become a doctor. Doctor now belongs in front of my name. Doctor. The term that provides people a sense of relief or worry. A term that people run to or run from. Pharmacists are one of the most respected, most trusted, careers there is. As a pharmacist, a doctor of pharmacy, I will be privy to people’s most intimate life moments. I will be trusted with the details of life as it really is. I will learn of people’s pasts and of people’s fears. I understand this and I will not let their trust be thrown to the wind. I have learned to love each human being, with all of their problems, all of their past. My past has provided me that love. Without my struggles, I would have never learned that perfection is not real. I understand the difficulties in life, I’ve lived many of them. I know without a doubt that those who trust me will find no judgement.

thank you for reading,

me

ICU Thoughts on Life

There’s definitely a theme to my thoughts these days. I’m on my last rotation (Finally!). My patients are sick, real sick. They are recovering from heart attacks, or at least trying to. Or have heart failure, made worse by COPD (a lung disorder common in smokers). Some of my patients are septic. My journal club this month is on sepsis. It doesn’t look good. Almost 50% of people who have sepsis die before they leave the hospital. Their bodies are riddled with infection and are having a very difficult time recovering. Their hearts are working too hard, their lungs are tired, and they can barely rest enough to let their bodies heal. It’s awful.

Another one of my patients is going home today to meet his maker. His family finally gave up and allowed his life support to be removed. He’s not going to wake up here. At least with him, he has had a long life. I hope it was filled with the joy of family, friends and adventure. I hope his family can remember good times and great events spent with him. I hope his maker is pleased. He’s one of the lucky ones. If he were to wake up here he’d have a life of pain. A life filled with medicines, breathing machines, cardiac machines, dialysis, and a number of other things to help him prolong it. But waking up isn’t something he is going to do, his brain has already quit. I pray his transition is smooth both for him, and his family.

Life is short. No matter the age you die at, it will be too soon. I hope to change that. I hope to live with no regrets, embracing all that life has to offer. I hope to be an example to my family that life is worth living well, that life is meant to be lived fully. It is meant to have its ups and downs. It is meant to be full of adventure, and quiet moments. No matter how short life may be for me, I pray that each day is one that I lived on purpose. I plan to be present to each moment, to be present to my children when they speak to me, to be present to my peers, to listen with my whole body and not just my ears. Being present will mean that I have wasted no time on the frivolous.

My goals, though in the future, are but reminders to myself now. They are reminders that though today may be hard, there is another day to look forward to. They are reminders that there is no reason to quit, to give up, or to stop living. Goals are a driving force to keep me motivated. They provide the energy of living into an amazing future. When I have a goal set I stay focused better. My brain obliges me, allowing me to work toward that future.

My patients? They are reminders that wasted time is never returned. There is not one who will gain even a second back. Time marches forward with or without us. Those moments when I didn’t pay attention to my child are never returned. The time spent on things that don’t matter is wasted. When you take the time to be still, to quiet your mind and pay attention, then time slows down. Time has its own philosophy. Life is short, don’t waste it.

thanks for reading,

me

Drug Information Center Musings – another rotation almost done

It’s ten at night and I should be dressed for bed. I ought to have already brushed my teeth and said good night to my babies and they ought to be in bed. Nope. I would go to bed but I’m not quite tired yet. I’d make them go to bed but they’re reading. The house is actually (finally) quiet. It’s a good feeling. So I decided to sit down and write just a few minutes.

This past month I have been in a Drug Information Center researching and answering questions. This isn’t like a poison center where you have a quick question and answer. This is deep therapeutic questions. Things like: is it OK to not dilute this drug used for spinal anesthesia? Which HIV drug is the better one? Is there any proof? What about using this medicine cream on an infant? Will that be OK? Today’s question was pretty intense, which is better for early stage breast cancer, docetaxel or paclitaxel?

The thing is, there’s someone on the other side. Someone out there is going to read what I write, decide if they agree with my evidence I’ve researched, and then make a recommendation based on what I’ve provided. There is someone out there who is going to have spinal anesthesia, a baby who is going to use a cream, a woman who is going to be treated for breast cancer.

In the DI center I don’t get to meet these people, or know them or even much about them. But what I do makes a difference. What I say or write will be used to decide a path for someone else. That’s kind of scary.

Pharmacy is amazing. It encompasses so many things and we are taught everything; not just how medicines work, but when to use the medicines, who needs them and who doesn’t. We’re taught how the body works, how certain diseases look, how doctors decide what is wrong with someone. We’re taught all of that, not just drugs. We’re taught how to read and interpret lab values. We’re taught to give shots, and how to test for neuropathy. We are supposed to be good at all of these things. Blood pressures? Heart rate? Respirations? Temperatures? Vaccines? Heart attacks? Allergies? Yes. Yes. Yes to all of it.

But what am I most excited about? Helping people get off of unnecessary medications. I can’t wait until I can get out of school and help people work on their diets, and check their genes. I can’t wait until I can help people be healthy again. There’s so much ahead of me, it’s daunting. Yet? Freeing. Finally, I’ll have the authority to help people, medicine wise. We already have the God-given authority to help those around us. This just helps me to help even more people.

thanks for reading,

me

Almost there

It’s the middle of March. March?! I have only one more rotation until Graduation Day! Wow. These past several years have been a roller coaster ride, the least of which was school. Six or so years ago I heard a question, “what will your life be like in five years?” The answer was obvious, extremely obvious. The answer was ‘exactly as it is now but we’ll all be older and probably broker.’

The rule is that if you don’t change then nothing will change. If you think that ‘someday’ you’re going to be OK, or that ‘someday’ you’ll go on that dream vacation… you’re probably wrong. Plans without timelines just don’t happen. Years fly by in a trance and one day you wake up and wonder what on earth happened.

Do you wake up and realize you’ve just spent every day of the last ten years watching two, or more, hours of TV? Did you spend each of those days sleeping in? Or on Facebook? I haven’t done the math but let’s see… two hours a day for 365 days for 10 years….that’s 7300 hours or 304 days spent in front of the TV. That’s almost a year of life that could have been lived. I’m not trying to say not to watch TV, I’m saying is that every thing we do is a trade. Time waits for no one and nothing and it is the same for everyone. How we choose to use it is the only thing we can do.

What could you accomplish in just 2 hours a day? Read some new books? Go for more walks? Spend more time with your family? Learn a new language, start a new career? Two hours seem insignificant until you add it up. I’ve learned these past few years that it’s the small things that make all of the difference. It’s not just that it’s the small things, it’s that it is ONLY the small things that make the difference. Life is lived in the seconds, minutes and hours that then build our days, weeks, months and years.

Five years ago, all I could imagine is that there was something better. I could see others were happy and able to pay their bills. I could see they weren’t any different from me, just people. We’re all just people. As time has progressed, I’ve discovered that there are so many people stuck where I was, stuck in ‘this is my life, guess I should get used to it’ mentality. They’ve decided at 25 or 30, 50 or 70 years of age that their life is essentially over and not going to get any better. They’ve settled.

I say don’t settle. Don’t give up. Go ahead and remember to live your life now, not tomorrow, not next month or next year. Now. Life is short, embrace it. It’s supposed to be a roller coaster ride. Enjoy the ride!

thank you for reading,

me