Over the past several years I have struggled to learn more about me and about everything else, but mostly me. I decided to go to back to school where I struggled daily just trying to keep up. I learned how to use my brain again, how to remember things, and how to apply what I’ve learned. Most importantly I learned how to breathe again.
As a child each of us has a natural instinct to try new things, learn everything, touch anything, and test what works and doesn’t work. We are free like the wind and it’s all our parents can do to rein us in so that we don’t get hurt. As children our dreams are huge; president, astronaut, pilot, save the world… As we grow we fight for it and often lose to the mundanity of life. We forget who we really are and who we really want to be.
As a child I never thought I would be a pharmacist, my goal was to save the world. I was going to find the cure for HIV and end that disease forever. I had high hopes and I even worked in that field for a little while. Not once did I think I would become a pharmacist.
The years passed, I had kids, lived a ‘normal’ life and just plodded along. I began to notice that things didn’t make sense anymore. I began to see that there were skeletons hanging everywhere, not just in people’s closets. It became obvious that things were off. Dreams had been squashed, projects unfinished, hopes discarded, and life was almost unbearable.
I decided to make a change. I went back to school. While schooling I still held certain beliefs in my gut. I didn’t believe that I was smart, or that I had any power whatsoever. My belief in me was below that of a snail. I had rather be hurt than let another and so I entered school as a mouse in a trap. I was timid, careful, untrusting, and above all other things scared. I had no idea who I really was or how I was supposed to be or act.
Now? Five years have gone by. Five amazing, event filled years! I have cried, screamed, dreamed, and even thought about killing myself. I continued though. There was always just a little something, a little spark somewhere inside, that wouldn’t let me quit. I would grit my teeth, wipe my eyes, blow my nose, and keep on going. I wanted to quit, I wanted to hide, I wanted to just disappear more times than I can count.
Sometimes I did disappear. Once in a while I would take off for a weekend and come back a little better. What, though, did I learn? I learned: I am smart, I am beautiful, I can do this, I do deserve good things, and I am important. How did I learn all of this? One tiny, awful, step at a time. One bruise, scratch, head ache, sleepless night, at a time. The tiniest of motion forward despite all of the negativity. I just stayed in motion, no matter what.
If I could help you with one thing, by telling you the thing that made the biggest impact? What would it be? Would it be study harder? Sleep less? No. On the contrary, it would be rest. Rest often. Stop, be still, breathe. Smell the flowers and watch the sun set. Life is worth living, take the time to enjoy it. It sums up as one thing, take care of yourself.
The biggest lesson I have learned is to take care of me. I hope that you will join me in life by remembering to take care of you. You deserve it, you are smart, you are beautiful, you are important. It’s true, you are.
thank you for reading,
me
