Love? Is that what it is? I’m not blind. I can see clearly. I can see your pain and it hurts me. I can see your fear and I become fearful. I pushed you away because I cannot handle it. Your fear, pain, and disappointment. Your hopelessness and your trauma. I can not be with you longer than a few minutes before you rub off on me. How can I help you to see the beauty and the miracles that surround us both? How can I help you to appreciate the small things in life? I don’t know how. Not yet. And so I distance myself. I am unable to handle so much negative emotion and so I leave you. Am I a failure for that? Am I wrong for leaving you in your hell so that I can climb out of mine?
As much as I hate my ex, I’m not blind to who he really is. All of my efforts to make things right, all of my efforts to fix the evils in that house were useless. I had to leave, he has to hit bottom before he will ever grow. We all do. I still see him as hurt and lost. I don’t think he sees it, though, and there’s nothing I can do about it. My time with him is over, he’s going to have to find someone else to help, or learn to help himself like I did.
I read. I read a lot. I read books on philosophy, on love, on dreams, and on money. I am in a constant state of learning, and because of this I am growing.
But it’s not just him, that I see. I see the stories behind the story. I see the angry old man and know that things were different when he was a child. I see the depressed woman and know that she once had dreams but now she’s given up on them all. I see the couple in debt who is afraid to dream for fear their dreams will never come true. I see the bedridden lady who refuses to become healthy because this is how she receives attention and she thinks if she weren’t ill that no one would love her. I see these. I also see the teen, who in her passion became pregnant. I know her fear and her embarrassment. I know what it’s like and how tragic life can become. I want to protect them all, I want to love them and to help them. But how? It hurts to allow their energy into my soul.
How can I protect myself from these? I isolate myself, pushing others away so that I can breathe. I run away to the water, to my boat, so that their energy does not reach me. Yet? As I take time to breathe, I cry. I let out my emotions so that they don’t control me. I let myself see God’s beauty in nature so that I can continue to see the beauty in those like these. For all are beautiful in their own way, yes all, even my ex. I love them and it hurts and so I take time for me.
thank you for reading,