Don’t sin in your anger.

Ephesians 4:26 – “In your anger, do not sin.”

I’m angry, actually furious.  My son says “remember, Mom, it’s hard to stay angry when you say ‘bubbles’.”  I love that boy so much my heart aches for him.  His father and I have not yet completed the separation of property and so I am angry.  I am reminded, yet again, why I do not want to be with him.  I am reminded again of his pettiness and his nastiness.  I am reminded again of how so much better our lives are now that we don’t have to deal with him on a daily basis.  I am reminded again how much I truly have.  I’ve learned that when you try to make sense of the nonsensical that all you do is drive yourself crazy.  You cannot make something be logical when it is done counter to logic.  I’ve tried to understand that man for years, and each time I just feel even more crazy.  We must be different species.  Why would a man prefer to make his children’s mom suffer and as such cause his children to suffer just to get even?  Why would a man rather lose his relationships with his children than admit that he needs to step up?  How can a man be so petty, so self-centered?  There is no answer.

I can understand one thing, though.  He did not change, will not change, nor will he ever change.  This is OK.  His life is wrapped up in mine because of our children but our children will grow and will learn on their own how to be with him.  For me, though?  I would love to maintain ‘no contact’ as much as possible.  I am able to do this most of the time. Once I make it through the property division and alimony I expect there will be even less contact.  In addition, once the children are old enough I can write him out of my life entirely. He will be merely an annoyance and nothing more.  Now, to place him in the annoying category rather than the angry category. “Bubbles.”  Yup, makes me smile.

Each time something comes up like this I wonder how on earth I will manage.  My anger consumes me for a time and I feel lost and afraid, as if I were still in his grasp.  I feel as if he is feeding on my life and literally sucking my energy, my will to live and fight, right out of my bones.  Then, like now, I start to despise myself for letting him affect me so.  I begin to think how do I get out of this mood.  How do I keep him from having this effect?  The quiet voice inside of me then reminds me that I am stronger than I’ve ever been and that I may need to feed my strength better by taking care of myself better.  It always comes back to taking better care of myself.  When I am tired, or over drawn, or not taking breaks, or not eating right… then I am more easily swayed, and his grasp begins to take hold again.

What then should I do, could I do, this time?  First, I decided to write this post.  Second, food.  Third, after eating I will sit and quietly read a book and my mind will finally be able to put him back in his little box to deal with later.  I will take charge of taking care of myself because if I don’t then I won’t live.  There is no one else responsible for me but me.

I share this with you so that you may know that when dealing with life, it is important to take each day one at a time.  When recovering from abuse, abortion, divorce or anything else, it is important to take care of yourself.  Remember to be gentle with yourself, love yourself.  You deserve it.

Thank you for reading,

me

PS. Bubbles. 😀

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Trust Your Heart

Trust your heart it sees things your brain refuses to see. Listen to your heart it knows things your brain doesn’t know. Your brain only sees so much, but your heart fills in all the gaps. Trust yourself. Trust what you feel. Understand that your brain doesn’t see it all, doesn’t know everything. Sometimes it tells the truth when your brain has been lying, especially if you’ve been lying to yourself for years.

You are going to be okay. You are already okay. You are already perfectly imperfect for God has made you so. God has made you whole. You are meant to be amazing for you were created by the Creator of everything. Playing small just diminishes your value. Learn to love. Trust your heart.

I started thinking, I started realizing, I have not forgiven myself. I have been taking responsibility for everything in my life.  A good thing somewhat but not so good if it includes from the time I was born.  Good if I gave equal credence to the good as the bad, maybe.  Bad, though, if I fail to recognize outside influences, forces for which I had absolutely no control.  I have been punishing myself; either by accepting punishment, or by encouraging punishment because I did not see that I had value.

But I do have value. I am worth it. I am an amazing person. I have so much love to give. I have hope. I am smart and beautiful. I deserve to have good things. I deserve to be forgiven and I did not deserve to do this alone. I have to talk, not for you but for me. I don’t know how, I do, I guess. Just open my mouth and start talking, but I’m not ready. I don’t know what will make me ready. I may never be ready. What I do know is true, is that I can continue to hurt and I can continue to feel this and I can continue to punish myself until the day I die; or I can deal with this, I can face my demons, confront my past, and live.

I can live without the blame.  I can allow myself to feel anger and hate and still be OK.  I can allow myself to experience my feelings so that they do not brew.  I can quit being numb and allow myself to experience life, the good and the bad.  I actually felt anger the other day that was righteous rather than reactive. I actually got angry. I allowed myself to truly feel and it hurt.  But for once I didn’t blame myself, the first time. When I didn’t blame myself I had a tremendous amount of peace. This peace is new and weird and odd and uncomfortable, but not bad. It’s just different. It’s a different feeling than I’ve ever had that I can remember. I’ve had moments of peace, where I could forget things, but this peace has me remembering at the same time. That’s new. I don’t think I have felt this before. I can’t remember, anyways.

As I begin another day, I pray that I can allow myself to feel the entire spectrum of feelings that come to me.  I am finally learning to cry again and experience life again.  Allowing myself to be true to my heart helps me to love my babies more deeply and will ultimately help me to be the person that I dream of being.

thank you for reading,

me