Don’t Wait

I know I keep harping on this but it’s so true. Life is short. Love your babies, hug your parents. AND take care of yourself!

You can’t wait any longer. You need to act now. You might not have another year, or another month or week. Life is short. Love now! Go for it! Go do the things you’ve dreamed of doing. Don’t wait anymore. Go dance in the rain, go play with the dogs. Go run around the block, bicycle, walk, whatever you like to do. Get outside with those you love. Or by yourself. Whatever it is you need to do, do it! Just do it!

If you can’t imagine yourself being like you are this moment in five years, then change it! Just do it. Do it! If you can’t stand the idea of living like you do right now in five years, then don’t. Don’t! You have the strength to change, you do. Do it! Life is worth it! You are not meant to be stomped on, beat up, or put down. You are meant for greater things than this! Quit waiting. Just start. Do it! Do one small thing that will lead to another small thing and then to another…

You can do it! I did. I’m just a little person with a big heart and I started with nothing thinking I was nothing… but I’m not nothing and neither are you. You and I are both worth it! Live! Today! Not tomorrow. not next week, not next year… today! You might not have another. There will never be a good time. The only time you have is right now. So what are you waiting for? Safety? Peace? If you don’t have it now and you don’t act on it you won’t have it tomorrow either.

Change doesn’t have to be giant, the little tiny baby steps work too. Telling yourself good things to combat the bad that you hear is small but huge… Tell yourself this. Tell yourself “I am worth it. I am beautiful.” Say it in your head, say it out loud if you can, just say it. “I am amazing. I am smart and capable.” Do not believe the lies that others say. Do not let others judge your soul. You were created by God for a purpose and that purpose includes living, loving and being loved. God doesn’t make junk. Don’t wait.

Every moment that you are awake you can speak kindly to yourself. You can combat the negativity, you can do it. I believe in you! I didn’t believe in myself before but I have changed that. I used to think I deserved my punishments, that I deserved my silent treatments and that I deserved to die. I was wrong. No one deserves that. No one, not me, and definitely not you. I wanted so much to give up, to quit. I wanted so much to just go to sleep and never wake up. Instead? I never gave up. I thought for certain I was crazy, but I wasn’t, and neither are you.

You have a right to live, truly live. You deserve to be loved and cared for. If you aren’t then leave. If you can’t, then get help. I did. I’m worth it. It was hard, it was terrifying, but I was worth the effort and so were my kids. You are worth it too. Don’t wait. Just do it!

thanks for reading,

me

Advertisements

Remember You – a note to myself

Write… Just write. You have been so busy and yet not and you think you are OK. You are. Just remember that things will get busier again and you will have to take care of yourself. Every day. Yes. Every day. You cannot wait for the weekend to catch up on self-care. You can not put it off until you have a day off. No. Self-care is required every day. It’s like brushing your teeth, you cannot go without it. If you want to maintain a clear head, maintain a feeling of calm; if you want to prevent the chaos from creeping back then you must remember to take time every day. You must remember to breathe. Take a walk, write, read, love on your babies. Breathe. Remember to feed your soul as you feed yourself. Remember to let the pain go, let your feelings feel; trust yourself because you know how to do this. Trust your instincts. If you begin to feel overwhelmed then take a step back, take some deep breaths… let yourself cry. Just do it. It’s OK. You need it. If you fight it you will eventually fail.

You know where you’ve been. You know what you’ve been through. You know it hasn’t been easy. You know this. Take pride in this. Accept that you are amazing and you are strong. Accept that you have moved mountains to be where you are. Accept it. Believe in yourself because you are worth it. Believe in yourself because you did it. Yes, you! You did it. You created this life from nothing. You made it happen. You are awesome!

Remember who you were and see the difference! Remember how hard you have worked! Remember how much you have cried, what you have faced. Remember! You are so capable and so brave and so vulnerable all at the same time. You are amazing! Let no one tell you otherwise. No one has been where you have been, no one. There are similar stories, but everyone’s path is different. Your path? Yours was long and hard and winding, but it was yours. Claim it! Accept it! It was you, yes you. You did it! You brought yourself here. You are amazing!

Now that you are here, remember to take care of yourself. Remember to be gentle with yourself. You’ve worked hard, you deserve your life. You deserve your peace and your promises of a great future. Claim it! This is your life now, no one else’s. You deserve to feel and to breathe and to smile and to laugh. It’s OK to cry and to be angry and it’s OK to want to quit. But don’t. Don’t quit. Instead? Take a deep breath, and rest. Rest your soul.

You are amazing! You’ve got this!

thank you for reading,

me

Standing at the Gate of Hell – Part 2 of 2

Story – Part 2 (I went ahead and put the rest here, it’s a little longer than part 1 but I didn’t want to put it in 3 parts.  Thank you as always for reading!)

Many people would listen to this and say this is really depressing.  She must be really depressed.  Why not just give her some drugs and send her home.  Obviously she looked depressed when she was out and about.  Right?  No, you’re wrong.  She didn’t know she was depressed about anything, well she did.  She just avoided the subject.  Because, you see?  This woman, she has a beautiful smile.  And she still doesn’t believe that she deserves to be pitied or felt sorry for… she doesn’t want any of that.  And so all the people around her, aside from a very few, had no idea that she was living in hell.   But what do you do? What did she do? She accidentally got some help. It’s accidental help?  Really? Or is it a letter from God? God doesn’t like people living in hell.  They say that God is love, but God does have one thing that he hates, he hates hell.  He hates evil.  But she didn’t know that, she did.  She got a letter from God.  She didn’t know it was from him.  She just thought she was being silly, or smart.

She didn’t know what she was doing.  But she knew she didn’t like this life.  And so she reached out to so many places.  Just a little comment here and a little comment there. Just to see what would happen, to see if anybody would stand up and find out more.  No one did.  Not at first.  No one bothered to find out more.  She’d say a little something, but mostly people would say, “ oh, that’s rough” and move on.  No one ever tried to get to know her heart, to find out just how badly she was hurting.  So what did she do?  She went to see somebody who actually works with folks personally on their lives, by accident, on a whim.  For no reason at all.  All of a sudden, someone listened.  All of a sudden, someone understood.  She’d tried that.  She’d tried several times to find that.  She had no idea what she was in for after that.  What he told her was, his job is just to listen, to say what she says, help her to see things from a distance.  Because as he put it, if you’re standing with your nose against a wall, you can’t see the giant building that you’re in.  Or in my case, it was a prison.  I had no idea I was locked in a jail that was in hell.  So she talked.  She tested.  She let a little of the truth out, a little more.  A little more truth now and then.  She was scared.  She still is.  Scared out of her mind.

So what does she do? She realizes her problems, sort of.  What does she do? She learns that she deserves to have love, to feel love, to be loved.  She learns that she deserves to take care of herself because she wants to be healthy and strong.  She learns that she’d been living a lie for years and years.  She cries a bunch.  Sometimes she has no idea what she’s doing or going to say, or going to see, or going to do.  What she does do, is she learns about herself, she learns to like herself.  Not in a “she’s better than you kind of way”, but in a “she’s just as good as you” kind of way.  All she wanted, all she needed was someone willing to listen to her ramble.

So what happens to the girl who can see that she’s standing in hell?  You don’t get to leave hell, not just leave, you have to walk out.  It’s not an in or out kind of thing.  You have to walk out.  But you have to be able to see where you’re going sometimes, at least a little bit.  For years all she knew was that something was wrong, and there was some stupid reason why she didn’t want to go home.  That’s all she knew.  The further away from home the better she felt.  The calmer she got.  The happier she would be.  But, the closer to home she got, the worse she felt.  Like a pendulum, back and forth, back and forth , back and forth.  And always, always, always she had to go back home.  Always had to go back home because home was in hell, and she thought she deserved to be there.  She was wrong.

So what is hell? Chaos, hate, fear, abandonment.  What is hell? Her home, for years and years.  But, when she started to get to know herself, she started to see the big picture. She started to see what hell was; that it was limited, it was very limited.  She started to get out of the grasp of the devil.  He kept grabbing for her, kept on trying to drag her back in.  He just couldn’t get a good hold on her anymore.  She was slippery.  He’d grab her and pull her in and she’d slip out again, back and forth they went.  The devil trying to keep her in hell because she belonged to him, he thought.  But no.  She was getting slipperier, and slipperier.  She was getting smart too, and so she would just stay away.  She became more and more scared about going home, because she was away so long.

So what’s not hell? What is it? What is her hope? That finally started to develop? Her hope for freedom, for love, adventure, life.  So she started to act a little different, because the devil had brought her down, down to the depths to almost nothing.  She didn’t even know who she was anymore.  But hope, hope started to bring her back out, not love really, because there’s really nothing different. All right, maybe a little bit of love.  The love she started to have for herself, that started to grow, just a little.  A little each day, one step at a time, she started to walk away.  She started to walk away from hell and the further she got the more beautiful life became.  She started to see the green trees, and the blue skies, the sunrise in her eyes.

She started to feel again.  She did not like that, because feeling hurt so bad.  She didn’t want to feel anything ever again.  But she started to accept that in order to feel wonderful, and to feel loved, and to feel great, and to love herself, that she had to feel the other stuff too.  She started to learn that feeling was OK and that her feelings were something she should trust.  Let bad feelings remind her that’s the wrong direction and good feelings, that’s the right direction.  She really didn’t believe that she should trust how she feels because she’d been lying to herself for so long. Funny, she always felt that honesty was the most important trait of all and she spent twenty plus years lying, to herself, to her friends, and her family, and her coworkers, and strangers too.

So what did she see? That little bit of hope. The birds flying, birds flying?  Such freedom that they have, birds,  They’re so free.  They go where they go.  No cage.  No dark corners to hide in.  No reason to go cry in the closet so no one could hear you scream into a pillow.  How many times has she gone to a corner, or in the bathroom with a pillow, just to scream into it where no one could hear?   The pain that she did not want to feel ever again.  The reason, the reason she never wanted to feel anything.  “Better to feel nothing” she said.  “Than to feel that.”  And so she didn’t feel anything.  She quit loving, she quit hating.  She just breathed.  All she did was breathe.

So what was her hope? She always believed in God, he answered her prayers frequently. What changed?  Her hope, she had lost hope.  What is hope?  What did she hope for? Would it ever come to pass? There she is standing, right there at the gate of hell.  The door’s wide open.  She looks out and what does she see? What does she see at the gates of hell? She sees pain, crying.  She sees sickness, heartache, cancer, death. She needs to turn around and look the other way!  On the other side of the gates of hell, she sees love.  She sees hope, freedom, health, adventure, happiness.

Standing at the gates of hell, why doesn’t she walk through those gates?  How does she walk through? You see, the devil is a little tricky.   Because what he does, is he lets her see that at the gates of hell once in a while, and then he drags her back in.   But he doesn’t have a good grip, she’s slippery now.  But he does have a grasp of her.  What does she have to cut off to lose that grasp?  Her leg?  Her ankle?  Because it feels like he’s wrapped around her ankle, trying to grab her and bring her back in, trying to get a hold of her hair so that she can’t get away.  And she can see the gates of hell now, and she can see through them.  She knows she’s going to walk right through.  On the way to the gates of hell, to get right through, to cross that border, is a hard thing to do.

Why is it hard to walk through the gates of hell?  To walk out of hell?  Why would that be hard? Why would anyone think it’d be hard to walk out of hell?  Because the devil is a trickster, a liar and a thief, and she has been tricked, and lied to, and stolen from for so many years that she doesn’t know what to believe.  Is that really the way out? Or is there more hell to go through?   In her heart she knows its OK to go that way.  But in her heart, in her mind, in her body, she also knows that as soon as she starts to take that step through the gates of hell?  The devil himself will be there, tearing at her, clawing at her. He will be pretending to be nice if he has to.  One minute screaming and yelling, gnashing his teeth.  The second minute, telling her how sorry he is.  How he wishes so badly that she wouldn’t leave, that he loves her.  But you see the devil doesn’t even know what love is, the devil has no idea what love is.

The path through the gates of hell is not something you just walk through.  She has to learn to love herself enough to grow through them.  She has to learn that she is worthy of a great life.   She has to learn that she is capable as well.  Walking through the gates of hell is something she has to do alone.  Not completely alone, but it’s something she has to do and no one can do it for her.  She has to take the first step, and then the second and the third steps.   And if she has to she has to walk faster, jog, even sprint through that gate.  The grasp of the devil will loosen because of her growth.  She has to learn to listen to the good and to quit hearing the bad.  She has to be honest with herself, truly honest.  She has to strengthen her core so that she can see the lies for what they are.  Going through hell is hard enough but getting out of it?  Nearly impossible.  Completely impossible if she ever gives up.

But as I said in the beginning, this woman is stubborn.  She’s more stubborn than hell could ever be.  Because of her curse, her gift, she will someday find herself free.

Thank you for reading,

me

PS. She is free from hell now.  The journey was long and hard, but oh so worth it!

Standing at the Gate of Hell – Part 1 of 2

A story I wrote – It’s long so I’m posting in parts.

Walking Through the Gates of Hell…

Here she was hanging out with no idea she was in hell…
She was tired, and depressed, she had no hope, no willingness to live, no reason to keep on going.  Nothing went in her favor, everything was against her.  The world was dismal, dark, there was no sky, air, no trees, flowers, just darkness…except for this tiny spark of something that just sort of sat in her gut that when she focused on it she began to get a little bit of hope.  Yet the hope was too much, and so she closed her eyes to it, shut her brain off of it… she wouldn’t see that spark for days, for weeks, for months… but once in a while that spark would glow. Once in a while she would get a glimpse of something, a sunrise, a sunset, a baby bird in a nest. Something would catch her attention and she’d smile and she’d forget all of a sudden that she was living in hell. She had no clue she was living in hell.  If hell was anything to define, she imagined it’d be much worse than what she was living.  She was wrong.

But there are different stages of hell I imagine, hell being kind of nice sometimes where you just can’t do anything you want to do. Where you just give up on everything. Hell being a place without love, a place where there’s no hope.  Hell being a place to lose hope. Often people go to hell full of life, no idea that things are going to change.  The day-to-day ho hums of life they live in, hell is just so normal and so blah and nothing exciting.  But then there’s other stages of hell.  Stages of hell  where you know you’re in hell.  Where there’s screaming, and biting, gnashing of teeth, blood, and broken bones.  There’s crumbled china, crumbled bodies. There’s the place where you scream and no body hears. There’s that hell too.  And every once in a while she found herself there.  She found herself screaming, on the verge of crumbling into nothing, found herself crying and not knowing why.  She was just wishing, wishing that death would come sooner. Still when it was back to the calmer hell, she’d be like “oh, OK, I can handle this”, again.  And so she was happy with her ho-hum, no love, boring, unhealthful day-to-day life.

Except some years those visits with the harder hell would come more often, and some years those visits with a glimpse of light would happen too.  And so she started to think, that maybe the glimpse of light might be better, might be possible to see more than every couple of months, or on a weekend when she was a way.  She started to think  there was something else possible.  She doesn’t know when that thought started, she doesn’t know how many times she thought about it, or how often she dreamed of a better life.  It just sort of crept up on her, kind of like the warmth of a sunny morning.  The sky just starts to brighten slowly, and the air warms, there’s still ice on the grass but you know that it’s going to be a warmer day because the sun was coming out.  Those kinds of days happened every once in a while and she started to believe again, in something else, even though she wasn’t sure what it was she was believing in.

So what does a person a do? What does she do? How do you decide to start living when you’ve been dying all this time? How do you decide that you’re going to live one day? Instead of go to that hell that you know is hell every couple of months? How do you realize that the hell that you’re living in is really just another hell, a trick, a lie, another excuse, to not be alive? What do you do? When that shows up on you? She didn’t know, she didn’t know what to do.  She just started hurting more in the little hell she was living, it felt worse.

It wasn’t like it changed a lot, but when you see something you really can’t un-see it. She’s smart.  She couldn’t lie to herself very well, not when she realized she’d been lying to herself for years… she didn’t realize , or she didn’t believe, there was anything else possible… she just lied to herself and understood that every body’s life was that way and everybody had their skeletons in their closet and everybody had their difficult marriages, their husbands that didn’t love them, their children that didn’t respect them, their wives that treated them like crap… she knew that people lived horrible lives, at least she thought that people did… Every once in a while she’d see a couple that looked like they were happy and she’d think “what are they hiding… there’s no way they’re that happy…” she’d think it’s not possible, they must be hiding something, or she’d think ”just wait a couple of years, you’ll regret it one of these days… not the children of course, but you’ll regret the marriage”, ”it happens to everybody”, she says to herself…

So what do you do? When you realize you’re living in hell and you don’t know where to go, and find out you’re all alone, you are in a house that doesn’t show any love…in fact its borderline violent, you’re scared all the time, you don’t know why you’re scared, but you are…so what do you do when your living in hell? How do you get out… she had no idea… so what did she do?

She tries to leave.  That apparently was the wrong way to do it, because leaving hell wasn’t possible.  You have to grow out of hell, you can’t just walk out.  You can refuse to walk in, but to get out of hell you’ve got to grow.   One step at a time.  She didn’t know that then, but she does now.  So what did she do when she tried to leave?  What happened to her?  She found herself abandoned and alone yet still surrounded by people.  People who were supposed to love her. She found herself wishing that she could just die, because there was no escape.  She tried.  She was left crying at her church, no one bothering to figure out why.  She cried out to her family, they had no idea what to do. They loved her but they didn’t know how to help.  Her father suggested she figure out something, make her life better, so she doesn’t need to be in hell.  She didn’t have any idea what to do.

The one thing she was, was stubborn.  One of the things she got punished for the most too. The things that are a person’s greatest characteristic are also a person’s greatest downfall.  Goes both ways.  Her stubbornness is what kept her in hell so long in the first place.  She just couldn’t believe it was hell, she refused to believe it.  Her stubbornness is also what will get her out.  So what is she going to do now?  She knows she’s in hell.  She tried to leave.  Hell grabbed her, kept her close.  Hell said “here, go kill yourself.”  Hell said “here, you don’t need anything.  Throw away those things.  They’re not important because you’re not important”.  Hell made her believe that her things, her life, her health, her happiness, her clothes, anything that she had was not hers.  She was not deserving of it. Basic needs, food, water, taking a shower, getting dressed, why do any of those things? You’re in hell.

Thanks for reading… more to come.

me

 

Scared

Scared.  What is it that is so scary? The leaving, the going it alone? The chance of being hurt, physically, emotionally? The fear of making a life long mistake?  The fear of the unknown.  What if you had done something different? What if you had tried just one more time?  What if you didn’t give up? Give up?

They say insanity is trying to get different results by doing the same thing over and over again.  If you’re like me you have done everything you could think of, you’ve tried what others have suggested, you’ve done everything in the book… Speaking of books, you’ve read them all too… Maybe you were too sensitive or maybe you really did misunderstand? You can question yourself until you die but it won’t do any good because the truth is you really have done all you are capable of and you really do deserve to be happy and it really does take two to make a relationship better.  I’ve said I’m on this train and it’s your choice to either get on with me or get run over.  My husband decided not to participate.

Truth is you made the best decisions you could, given the circumstances. Given the way life was, it made sense. Sure, some of those decisions weren’t really good in the end but that’s OK too.  So many of us are used to being held to an impossible standard, first by those who we thought loved us and then by ourselves.  Does it really make sense to expect perfection when you don’t even have all of the information? Why is it our spouses didn’t have to live up to the standards they expected of us?  If yours is like mine he expected quiet when he wanted quiet, to play when he wanted to play, sex when he wanted sex. He wanted so many things but he never actually told me what it was… “If I really care I’d know him well enough to actually know what he wants.”… I’m sorry. Last time I checked I don’t read minds. I’m fairly certain you don’t either.

So why are we scared? We are scared because it makes sense to be. Finally we are listening to our own feelings and finally we are discovering that they actually mean something. We have been led to believe the impossible and so when we are confronted with truth it’s hard. It’s time to get to know ourselves. It’s time to figure out on our own whether we like country music or Japanese food or whether we like swimming or the color green. We have been told what is good and what is right, it’s time we decide that for ourselves. We wore things he decided he didn’t like and then tossed it away. We have kept our hair long, or short, because of how he reacted to it. We have let every decision we ever made be based on whether he approved or not. It’s time for a little insubordination, is time to try new things, meet new people, play new games, wear different clothes… Get our hair done or have our nails painted. Or maybe we won’t. Maybe we’ll put our foot down and decide we are good enough, absolutely perfect, just the way we are.

What we won’t do though, ever again, is cower to a childish, pig-headed bully. We won’t ever put up with that again. We will learn how to take care of ourselves and we will do what we have always known was the right thing to do, what we were afraid to do before. Our children will respect us more because they will see our transformation and they will learn from our mistake. They will learn to have a certain amount of love and respect for themselves that will help them in their lives. They will be able to hold their heads high because they know that they are worthy. You and I are worthy.

We deserve to walk with pride, a certain self-confidence that others will envy. Think of it this way, the only reason you are alive today is because you chose to be. You could have called it quits many times, when you were harassed or abandoned. Even the fact that you didn’t kill him, that in itself is something to be proud of. You didn’t act on your hate, because I know there was hate. It’s impossible to live for years with someone who constantly chastised you and not hate them sometimes. And if you didn’t hate him it’s likely you hated yourself. Take pride in the fact you chose to live. Now it’s time we learn how to live our best. Now it’s time to love ourselves.

Wrote this a while ago, but felt that it might be of help…

thanks for reading,

me