I Did It

I did it. I made it through my week and am about to begin a new one. I honestly cannot believe I made it this far. Once in a while, almost every week, someone asks me how I managed to get where I am today. They ask me how I did it. They want to know how I can make it through everything. I tell them I put one step in front of the other, I cried a lot and I never quit. They say they could ‘never do that’, meaning they could never make it through what I’ve managed to do. This is so untrue. If I can be where I am today then so can anyone. The difference is not giving up and making the hard decisions. It’s reminding myself daily, sometimes hourly, that I am worth the effort.

I did it. It wasn’t magic, it wasn’t anyone sprinkling fairy dust on my life, it wasn’t an accident and it wasn’t luck. It was me. I did it. I made things happen. I made myself get up and keep moving. I made myself talk to people I didn’t know. I asked for help. I did it. I let myself cry. I let myself be vulnerable. I let myself breathe. I let myself feel. Me. I did it. No one else. No one made me do anything. I chose my path and I walked it. Me.

I did it. I’m not going to lie. It was f*cking hard. People think I make things look easy and that’s a mistake that I made. I didn’t let many people in. I didn’t let others see my struggles or hear about my fears. I stopped doing that, though. Now? Now ask me how I am and if it is true I will say that ‘I’m fine.’ If it’s not, though? I will tell you flat-out, ‘I’m not doing well.’ Then, if you want to know more I will tell you.

This is hard. This making a life that I love is hard. This living thing, that I started embracing? It’s hard. It hurts. It stings. There are many times where I want to quit, I want to give up. Times when I wonder how the hell I’m going to make it through the day, let alone the week. So many times where I wonder where I’m going to find the strength to breathe, let alone move. Letting myself feel? Wow. I did it though. I did. I chose to let myself be me and the best thing of all is that I now know that I’m worth it. I actually like who I am, what a concept. Me, just me, perfectly imperfect.

I did it, though. I really did. I made it this far. I fought for it, claimed it and took it. This is my life now and no one else’s. I’m worth the effort and so are you. You are worth it. Just be you, be who you want to be. Just do it. I did.

thanks for reading,

me

ps. Just this week alone: I worked at my rotation, I packed the rest of my things at my abuser’s house (while he was still there), I spent time at the hospital with my daughter who had a seizure, spoke with friends, went out with friends, met with people about my business (also friends), let myself be vulnerable, let myself cry, went to doctors’ appointments with my daughter, got up each morning and went to bed each night, watched some of the meteor shower, cried some more, packed some more, cried some more, was terrified but kept going… just this week… but I called my friends for help, and the key here: I let them help. I did it. No one else did it for me. It was me and I deserve the credit. It can be you too. You are worth the effort, too.

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Going it alone

“Somewhere ages and ages hence:

Two roads diverged in a wood, and I—

I took the one less traveled by,

And that has made all the difference.”

– Robert Frost

I’m at a new crossroads. The one on the left is full of possibility, it looks bumpy but it could lead me to a place that is full of wonder and delight. The one on the right is predictable, it looks rough and rugged but I know where it goes. I have to choose. Left or right?

If I choose left I go on my own. I have to rely on me. Only me. I have to trust myself and my abilities to pull myself out of the mud. I have to prove to myself that I am capable beyond what I believe.  The possibilities of an amazing life and future follow this path.

If I choose to take the path on the right, I get more support. I get to stay in the safety of knowing things will be fine. I get to rely on others and allow them to help me make my decisions. This isn’t all bad. The path on the right will lead to a good future, one that is predictable.

But the path on the left? It could go poorly. It could lead me through many, many trials. Trials I have to pass on my own. Am I strong enough? I don’t know. I’ve made it this far.

The right? It might go poorly, but probably not. Except, I’ll never find out how great I can be if I choose that way. I won’t have to deal with the extremes and it might be better than the one on the left, especially if the left path fails.

The question is am I willing to settle for “fine” or “good”? Or am I willing to challenge myself for a chance of “great” and “excellent”? What do most people choose? Most people choose to do the path on the right because it requires no work. People have given up on dreams and are “too tired” or “too old” to try anything new.

I know which path I’m going to travel. I know that I cannot settle. Already my life is amazing compared to a few years ago there’s no reason it cannot get better. Instead of thinking I’m in my 30s or my 40s, 60s, 80s… try thinking I have 70, 60, 40 or 20 more years yet to live. I haven’t even lived half of my potential life span! Why would I give up now?  And yes, I said “give up” because settling is quitting. And quitting is giving up. If my heart is beating anyway, might as well make it worth the while.

thanks for reading,

me

PS. The path on the right is a lie.