This past week has been hard. We’ve lost two little ones (ages 2 and 8), told bad news to another set of parents, and tried hard to prove nothing was wrong with yet another. Every time I see these kids I see my own and wonder if I am being helpful or just in the way. My heart breaks seeing their parents’ hearts being torn in two. I hate sickness and death. I want to take away their pain and take it on myself. But I can’t, I’m not strong enough. When I see them hurt or crying it’s as if I am the one hurt or crying. The emotions I feel are so intense. I’m trying to learn how to protect myself. I asked another pharmacist how she does it every day. “I learn to compartmentalize.” I understand it, but I’m not very good at it. I can feel all of the emotions all at once and it’s overwhelming! How can I even think clearly when I care so much? How do I be the best pharmacist I can possibly be? How can I continue on my path without giving up?
Yesterday I was allowed to be present at a delivery. This one gave me hope. The baby was delivered via cesarean and was a healthy 8 pounds 1 ounce (about 4 kg), screaming, gorgeous baby girl. I wanted to cry for joy along with the parents. When I left the operating room I went directly back to my team to find them in a room with a baby born at 23 weeks and only now weighing 0.7 kg. So tiny! All the other babies I saw on my shift were premies or high risk infants. I was in the neonatal ICU all day. One baby was discharged home and the mother broke down in tears, a great day for one mother. And yet another was still wondering if her’s was ever going to go home.
I have the heart for these children. I am a fantastic, caring person, but in order to survive these emotions I have to get away. I’m grateful that I bought the boat I bought. My timing may be a little off, money-wise, but exactly when I need it time-wise. I come home every day and hug my kids tight. I’m more aware of them and how much they mean to me than I’ve ever been. Life is too short for pettiness.
Life is short, don’t let it slide by unnoticed.
thank you for reading,