Mom?

Today marks 8 years since my mother died. Over the last four months I’ve loved her, missed her, hated her, loved her some more, and just wished I could talk with her. I’m glad she no longer suffers and I’m glad that she didn’t have to see me go through the things I’ve gone through the last couple of years. She would have been livid if she knew all the stuff her ex-son-in-law put her daughter through. I don’t think it’s possible to never need your mom again. I’ve wanted to ask her so many questions. I’ve written her a letter that she’ll never be able to see.

There are so many things I would talk to her about right now. With my eldest getting married in a few days, I’d start with apologizing for how I behaved when she was planning my wedding without my help. That would be where I start. But, if we had time to sit down over a cup of tea I think I’d go back to where things really went wrong. I’d ask her why she disappeared when I needed her the most. I’d ask her to explain what was going through her mind when her husband decided I shouldn’t keep my baby. I’d ask her how she could have possibly allowed me to let someone kill her first grandchild. I’d ask her where she went, after telling me that she’d help me anyway she could. I’d ask her why she wasn’t strong enough to stick up for me. I’d ask her why she put up with my dad. I’d ask her a lot of things.

I’ve forgiven her for most, if not all of it, but I still wonder why. I know my father was a difficult person to live with and one that you just never argued with. I don’t know what went on behind in private. I do know that I learned that I was to be subservient to my husband from him. And at the same time I never once doubted that both of my parents loved me.

It’s interesting, when I look back on it. My mother tried to tell me to love myself, but she was late on that. My father? He still lives and I’ve mostly forgiven him for many things yet I still want to know why. Why did he make me choose death? I’d like to understand what possessed him to think that it would be better. I know my mother knew, there’s no way that she couldn’t. I know she knew because she had already given birth to three babies. She knew what I was going to have to deal with. She insisted I get help, help I never got until this year.  My father, though? Did he not realize that forcing me to go through that would end up with me hating myself for the next 30 years? Did he realize that for all but the last three months that I truly believed that I was a murderer? How could a father choose to put his child through that?

Then, there’s the other side… If I talk to him will that open new wounds? Did he understand the implications and just think that he needed to make it happen anyways? Was he trying to protect me in his own way? There’s forgiveness there for him. Still part of me wants to know why. Why did you let your baby girl out of your sight? Where were you? Why didn’t you protect me? So many questions. No answers.

Questions I don’t really want answers to, not yet. Someday? Maybe. Maybe I’ll sit and talk with him on it one day. I haven’t yet, but I might. What would you do?

Thanks for reading,

me

 

Advertisements

Freedom

Freedom?  What is it?  How do you claim it? Do you want it?

The freedom I’m thinking of now is the freedom to be.  The freedom to be who you really want to be, the person you were meant to be… Freedom is a mindset that breaks through barriers.  This mindset is something that many don’t quite grasp.  What is it like to have the mindset of freedom?  It leads to power.  Power over your actions and power over your thoughts.  Power to change your mindset from negative to positive… It’s experiencing life daily, hourly, moment by moment.  It’s acknowledging your past and living into your future.  It’s allowing yourself to love yourself again.  Freedom is a way to find peace…

No matter your financial standing, no matter you marital status… no matter whether you are a loner or always around people… what you think and what you believe represents who you are.  The problem so many have, myself included, is that we forget that some of our beliefs are made unconsciously.  When we believe something to be true we don’t question it.  If for instance you believe the sky is blue then it is blue, if you believe you are beautiful then you are beautiful… these are fine beliefs… the problem is when you believe you are worthless, or ugly, or stupid, or incapable, or powerless, or … fill in the blank… these negative beliefs are not questioned and so we lose our freedom.  We lose our freedom to choose because we do not believe that we can.

What if we could redesign our thinking?  What if we could look at our beliefs and realize their true place… what if we can untangle the knots around our beliefs and see the true reasons for them… I’ve been untangling knots lately.  I had very strong beliefs that I was stupid, unworthy, helpless, guilty… and as I started to untangle the knots… as I started to get the input of others… as I began to really look at why I believed those things I found something amazing…

I found that my beliefs were built on those of a child in a bad place at a bad time.  My beliefs were set in stone for situations for which I had absolutely no control.   As I pulled on the strands of the knots around each of these, as I began to question why… I discovered that they were false.  I am not stupid, in fact I’m quite capable and a very quick learner… I am not unworthy, in fact I’m a child of God and I have worth just because I am me… I am not helpless, in fact I’ve managed to move mountains to get where I am today and I’ve done that with very little outside influence… I am not guilty, in fact I was forced and coerced, threatened, raped and beaten…

When I finished untying my knots in my soul, I discovered there was nothing wrapped up inside.  There was no reason for those beliefs.  I still have knots that I’m untying but I’m not as afraid to pull on the strings as I once was.  Now I am replacing my beliefs with faith. I now have the faith that I am capable, worthy, smart and innocent.  With this faith I can build a life that I love.  With this faith I can share who I really am and be who I really want to be.  Having this faith in a future to come is inspiring.  It is true freedom.

With this freedom I am now able to move forward and to help others.  I am able to appreciate my past for what it was, a learning experience.  I am now able to love others when they need loving.  Now I can be me.

Can you be you?  Do you need a little more faith?  Remember, it’s OK.  You are allowed to remember why you built your negative beliefs.  You can start asking why and you can grow alongside of me.  Together we can learn to be who we are meant to be and then others will realize that they also can be who they are meant to be.  Loving ourselves and others can be a wonderful thing.

thank you for reading,

me

No More Silence – Finding Freedom

Let me tell you about my daughter. She’s about 27 years old now I think.  Her birthday may be coming up soon, I forget.  Regardless her age, she’s beautiful, she’s smart, intelligent, and full of life.  She got married a few years back and she has a beautiful baby girl and a boy who is about to turn 3.  She’s happier than she could ever be in her life right now.  Her soul has touched thousands since her conception.  She has had friends in grade school, high school and college and she even went on to get a master’s degree. I don’t know what it was in, though.  It doesn’t matter because she’s happy.  She’s in a good relationship with a great guy.  She helps make me the great mom that I am today.  I guess she learned a thing or two from me because I can see that she’s also being great with her own kids now.

When she was younger she had a few hobbies going.  I think she  really enjoyed running, climbing and being outdoors. She does like to be outdoors though, probably because her mother always made her go outside to play.  I always send my kids outside to play.  She’s pretty well-rounded… I know I’m a decent mom and I know that I have let her make some mistakes but I wouldn’t let her hurt herself too badly because we all learn from our mistakes. She loves staying home with her kids too.  I loved that too. I totally wanted to be with my children more than anything in the world. You couldn’t pay me enough money to make me work so that I would miss my children growing up.

My daughter is a huge part of who I am.  I loved her the moment I met her.  Her soul has marked so many.  Many have no idea that she’s even left her mark.  Her mark is on me, for this I am tremendously grateful… it is on her siblings, her father, and her grandparents too.  Sometimes her mark is a bit hard to see but that doesn’t mean its not there.  Her mark has been stamped on dozens, maybe even hundreds of people.  Her soul has touched at least that many and more.  The very fact that I have the honor of being her mother, even through all of my failures, I thank God for daily.  The fact that she has impacted more lives than she will ever know, I wish she could understand.

I would love to show her how her very existence is a blessing.  All women, children, all people, should know how very much they mean to those around them  All should have the opportunity to realize their own power.  As I wait and wonder, I can see her potential.  I want only to bless her in a way that allows her voice to be heard.  I want to help her become known for the beauty and the gift that she truly is.  I want others to see her as I see her.  I’m not blinded by love, I know she has her faults… I know that I do as well.  But I may be blinded by love after all… because I know that she has good too and that that goodness, that greatness, deserves to blossom.  I wish you could meet her,  my angel.  But you can not,  for her life was but a wisp in the wind.  Her impact,  global. She, and her brother,  have continued to live on despite the world’s forces to prevent their growth.  Their lives were but a breath of air,  their souls eternal. I miss them daily,  hourly at times…yet,  in their memory I live. I can see their impact,  feel their presence.  I know that I only see but a tiny spark of who they are,  who they could have been…I know,  though,  another thing… my love for them has never waned and so I want to celebrate them for who they were,  who they are, and who they continue to grow to be. They grew inside of me and were taken from me physically,  yet their souls joined forces with mine and together our souls have moved mountains.   The future holds so much possibility it is hard to imagine. To be understood, and to understand, are gifts that many have no idea how to give.

My children give me life.  All of them, some continue to breathe and some don’t but all of their beings are an integral part of who I am.  I have been silent for too long.  Silence kills.  It has been killing me years.  It has been preventing me from taking a stand, from helping another.  I have been angry and hurt, guilty and withdrawn.  These emotions have not empowered me.  They have caused me to stop myself.  The emotions have ruled for too long.  My choice now, to speak.  To truly speak what needs speaking and to do what needs doing… this choice is by far one of the most terrifying and most freeing choices I have ever made.  Life.  I want to breathe life into those who surround me.  I want those who know me to truly embrace their goodness, their love, their lives… their power.  There is no room for silence any longer.  Silence is a disguise, a shadow.  Silence prevents people from taking a stand for what they believe in.  Silence hides secrets… and secrets kill.  Secrets took the lives of my first two children… the secrets of rape, of abuse, of family, of fear… When a mother’s children are dying she screams for all the world to hear.  She fights for their lives.  She begs for mercy from God, from others… She finds the strength to do things no one ever thought was possible.  But if there are secrets… and silence… then there is death.  Stop the silence.  Scream.

me