The Next 30 Days

It’s “crunch” time. It’s almost the end of the semester. Four plus exams, a case study, and two Practicals left in less than 20 days… only 8 days of actual classes. Four finals followed immediately by mediation with the ex, then starting rotations, then my daughter gets married… less than 30 days from today. My friend, Time, must feel the need to push me forward because this Time is coming so quickly now that I keep thinking I’m forgetting to do something. From one minute to the next I have no idea what I am doing. I’m OK for a bit if I just sit and ignore everything and concentrate on only one thing, but then I get sidetracked because of something I forgot.

I have choices still, I have to remind myself that I do still get to choose. I get to choose whether I will “freak out” and yell at my kids while they run around like wild animals in the house while I study. Or I could take a deep breath, send them outside, and refocus. I have the choice whether I let myself feel the overwhelm that is trying to set in or I can notice that it’s there and stop and plan a way to go forward. Everything I do is a choice.

Problem is is that some of these choices were made earlier when I felt like I had more time. Habits are hard to change. I fill my calendar from morning to night, from Sunday to Saturday and fail to schedule time for me in. This habit has got to change. Sure, I know I’ll be able to make it through the next 30 days. I know I will still be breathing when it’s done, aside from an act of God, these next 30 days will pass. At the end I will have passed my classes, successfully mediated with my ex, married off my daughter to a great guy and be in the midst of my rotations. This will all happen. I believe it. I have faith that these next days will pass and I will survive it. I might even be better for it.

In the meantime, though, how do I go through these days with grace. How do I keep a loving tone in my voice and a caring look on my face? How do I be the person I want to be while I travel through this stressful season? These are real questions. I am definitely open for suggestions.

I know I will force myself to sit and write so I don’t forget this part of my life, and so I can vent. I know I will put myself to bed with things left undone. I know I will continue to rise in the morning. What do I need to do to keep myself sane? More of what I already do but I have to be deliberate. I have to deliberately get up and drink a cup of tea and read before I start my day. I have to deliberately take myself outside and exercise in the fresh air. I have to deliberately make myself go out with friends despite my exams. I have to remember to live my life around and through the next 30 days.

There are three things I know that help me a lot. Writing, reading and eating on time. Sleep is also a huge factor on the way I feel. If I am sleep deprived I tend toward being depressed. If I am hungry, I tend toward overwhelm. Writing helps me do brain dumps and reading helps me think on different things.

Maybe I’ll learn not to schedule everything at once someday. That would be nice, free Time.

So here’s to the next 30 days!

thanks for reading,

me

Time?

Time. Time is a wonderful, terrible thing. It is always moving, never ending, never waiting. Time, forever, like an engine moving forward. Time, a friend to pull you out of yesterday, an enemy to throw you into tomorrow.  Time, uncaring, unstoppable. Time is the great equalizer.

“Precious time, oh how I long for you to move quickly or slowly. How I long for you to work for me.”

“Time, why don’t you slow down for a few. I want to stop and breathe. I want a chance to collect myself before you move on.”

“Dear time, please move quickly to this, I cannot wait longer! I want so much to be there already. Dear time, why don’t you listen to me?”

“Time? I know you are there. Why is it you do not listen? Why don’t you act as if you care?”

Time speaks, “Oh but I do listen, it is you who do not understand. You need for me to move you from your past.  Your past?  It kills you.  You need me to pull you to the present, you’ve been in the past long enough.  The future? I never go there. That is but your imagination. I cannot do anything other than bring you to now. Right now. There is no other place than now.”

“But Time? How come I cannot go there? The future? I want so much to be done with this now.”

Time speaks again, “There are rules that must be followed. No one escapes these. I wait for no one and I always move forward. There is no choice for me and none for you. Accept this and life is better.”

“Accept this? I want only to relax and to live. I want to skip the rough stuff and move on to the good. Is this wrong? Why is it is so hard to live? Time, you scare me.”

“If you learn to accept me then life will be simpler. Recognize that I can be your friend. If you accept who I am and allow yourself to be with me this moment and no other you will find life in a different light.”

“Time? You are a seductress, You want me to be with you and not fight you. How is this good? I’ve learned from my past and I do not trust well.”

“Leave your past! It does not empower you. Trust me, I am older than all things. For nothing has ever existed without me. There was no before Time. I know you and have always been with you, learn to be with me. I am the one who pulled you through your past, I am the reason it is no longer yesterday. Be with me, you will not regret it.”

“Thank you Time, for pulling me from then.  Life was very bad.”

“You cannot win a fight against me, but then neither can those who hurt you.  To you I can be a friend and to them an enemy. The choice is yours. Accept me and we will go through this day, this moment together.”

“Yes, Time, I will try. Please do not abandon me.”

“I have never abandoned you. Those moments when you do stop and breathe, when you notice the sunrise, the sound of the ocean waves. Those moments when you are not afraid. Those moments, those are when you feel that I go by slowly. Those are the moments when you allow me to be with you, when you do not fight me. When you accept me then your mind is quiet and the chaos is at bay.”

“That was you? I didn’t know. Thank you.”

“Shall we then? Let us do this life together.”

“Yes, Time. Let’s do.”

thank you for reading,

me

Time flies

How time flies! This year is already more than half over! I remember when everyone was worried about Y2K. Now I have kids born afterward. We used to have an 8-track player and now my kids don’t even know what a record is, let alone an 8-track player. I remember having my first baby at 23 but now I look at 23 year olds and I see babies. My “baby” is now about to get her license. Where did the time go? Now I have four “babies” and all of them are out of diapers now. In fact we haven’t had to buy diapers in quite a while. I never thought I’d miss diapers but well, naaa I guess I don’t. I do miss the babies that didn’t talk back, that didn’t sneak around, that didn’t like boys or girls. I miss not having to worry about where they were or who they’re with. Now, in a blink of an eye, they’re almost grown. I love my children more than the air I breathe, and I don’t know how I’ll be when they have families of their own.

I remember where I was standing and what I was doing when the planes crashed into the twin towers. It’s been almost ten years since then. I was standing in line at Burger King on the way to COOP with my two older kids. (My only two at the time.) When we got there we prayed and then went home. It was terrifying, it was frightening. I was in shock. I think the whole nation was in shock. Good things did come from bad though. The next few years Americans were just Americans. We weren’t black, or white, or American Indian, or African American, or Chinese American or boys, or girls, we were just Americans, proud of our country and of our homes. Things don’t seem quite the same now. The country right now seems more divisive than I remember ever before in my life. Martin Luther King Jr would be turning over in his grave if he were seeing how people are treating each other now. The racially motivated mob that attacked people outside the fair in Wisconsin and the flash mobs in Philadelphia would have made him faint with disgust. Martin Luther King Jr wanted people to be judged by their actions, not by their color. He wanted people to see people as humans; all one race, the human race. Why then do people keep separating us. Aren’t we stronger if we stick together? Don’t you want to be judged by who you are inside instead of by the color of your skin? Don’t you want to be treated with respect? Self respect is where it starts. If you don’t respect yourself, no one else will either.

You know what I can’t remember, not very well anyway? I don’t remember what I did last week, or who I spoke with yesterday. The day to day things just don’t stick sometimes. I’m hoping to make some wonderful memories in the future. Things I can count on to keep the time from flying as fast as it has been. I hope to take the time and remember these important things to come. My babies will be grown someday and when they have babies of their own I plan on telling some really good stories to tell their children. Maybe the the time when C broke her arm racing to the mailbox, or the time she almost shot the neighbor, or the time when P was stuck upside down behind his bed, or how little C talked with his imaginary friend, Fink.  There are so many things I need to remember.  Pay back for their teen years, I’m looking forward to it. 🙂