My Cry for Help

I wrote the following long before I ever knew the depth of my pain, long before I ever spoke to a soul. I had had a hint of freedom that lead me to write this… I hope that my life can be a light to another’s.  Enjoy?

 

I search, I scream, I try to find a way out.  My dreams are haunted, I’m lost, terrified.

“Please someone, please help me.”  I can’t see, I can barely breathe.  Where is the air?  How did I get here?

“Someone please, please help me out!” I’m so lost, I don’t know my way.  Where am I?  I wish I could see the sky, but I’m blind. The birds? Do they sing? I can’t hear their song.

“My dreams? Please don’t ask me about my dreams.  My dreams don’t come true.  They can’t, my chains are too strong, dreaming just makes things worse.  What do I dream?  I can’t, it hurts too much.  Please, please don’t ask me that.  Don’t make me dream…the chains they hurt so bad.”

Air? Is that air? Sky? No!  I can’t look.  Oh, but the air is so sweet, and the sky is so bright.

“No! It only makes it worse!” Don’t give me air and sky, I can’t keep them.

“Go away, please go away.  Please, please.”

“What do you want?  Why do you hurt me so much?  I belong here, in my cage.  I belong here, with my chains.  Don’t help me, please, please don’t.”

It hurts too much. I didn’t know. I didn’t know I couldn’t breathe.  I didn’t know I had chains on.  I couldn’t see the cage.  I didn’t want to know.  Why did you show me?  It hurts so much more than it did before.  I was almost dead, why did you wake me?  Why did you set me free?  You are so cruel.  I didn’t know what it was like to be free.  I didn’t know what I was missing.  You cursed me!  I can’t stay free!  Why did you show me!  I didn’t want to know what it was like to be loved.

I screamed, I yelled, I begged to be free and you came, you showed me how.

“I hate you.  I hate you for showing me.  How dare you show me what I can’t have!  I hate you!”

My chains are heavier than they ever were before you.  My cage is smaller, my air is sour.  I at least thought I could breathe.  I didn’t know I was in hell. I just didn’t know.

You say I can.  Really? How?  You say it is my right to breathe?  To be free?  How?  By going through hell first?  I don’t want it.  If this isn’t hell yet, then I’ll just stay here.  I don’t want worse.  You still believe in me?  You say I can be free?  I don’t believe you.  You are wrong.  You all are wrong and I am right.  How can you all be wrong?  Is there really enough air out there?  Will I be able to see the sky? Hear the birds? Breathe?

“Help me!  I’m so alone! I can’t find my way.  Please, please help me.  I can’t do this alone.  I’m so scared.  I don’t know how.  I don’t know what to do.  Please, someone, please help me!”

thank you for reading,

me

ps.. the sun, the stars, the birds, the fields, the sky… they are all very, very real

Stressing

What is stress?  How can I beat it?  Or can I make it work for me?  No one in their right mind would argue with me on whether I live a stressful life or not.  My life is full of the top reasons for stress out there.  Recent divorce – check, recent death in the family – check, doctorate level classes – check, upcoming wedding (my daughter, not me) – check, financial issues – check, and numerous others.

So why am I still standing?  Still smiling?  Still out there trying to help others?  Sometimes I don’t know.  I know I get statements frequently such as “I could never do what you do.” Or “I don’t have the time to do that.”  Or “You are so much better at that than I am.”…

Too often I do make it look easy.  I keep my worries to myself.  I say “I’m fine.”  I offer to help them.  But when I do these things they don’t know my heart.  They don’t understand that given the choices, I refuse to go any way but forward.  Yes, I could have stayed with my ex.  Yes, I could have given up.  Yes, I could have quit.  Yes I could have decided to not change my life.

I did not do that though.  For me, I’ve had this extraordinary hunger to live.  I thank God every evening for all the things that I have: my kids, my health, my house… I thank Him that my roof doesn’t leak anymore.  I thank Him for giving me shelter from the cold, and from the storms.  I thank Him that I have shoes that fit and clothes that keep me warm.  I even thanked Him for giving my daughter lice… she laughed when I did that. She didn’t understand why.  Why be thankful for lice?  Several reasons, now I understand what it’s like to use the chemicals, to clean everything, to pick through every piece of hair on every child’s head.  I have an amazing understanding of something I only barely knew about before.  I told her how Corrrie Ten Boom, in “The Hiding Place”, thanked God for giving her lice while she was in the concentration camps.  Because of her lice and of those others in her sleeping area, they were no longer targeted for being raped and beaten.  The guards wanted nothing to do with them for fear of contracting it themselves.  In addition, as I am soon to be finishing my doctorate in pharmacy, I’ll be much better at helping others who need it.

I guess “my secret” to loving my life, regardless of the stress that is in it, is that I can ALWAYS find something to be thankful for.  But, make no mistake, it is NOT easy.  I may have made these last few years look easy but they were not.  I had two choices 1- go forward, or 2 – quit in some way.  Quitting did not give me power and so I always chose to move forward.  Sometimes, actually often, it meant walking through the fire to get to the other side… or remembering “the boulder is the path”.  Every moment of the day I have a choice.  I can choose to let things bring me down or I can choose to keep on smiling and keep on trucking.  Moving forward sometimes brings me to a place where I have to stop and feel my feelings.  I have to let myself sit and sob and rest.  These moments happen but they let me be authentic with myself.  Much of this time has been learning to be with me again, learning to love myself.

I hope that you are in a place where you can also be just you and love who you are,

thanks for reading,

me

Creating Purpose

I’m in a place where things are changing very rapidly.  As things change I wonder what it will look like in the future, and whether I can create a future that I love. I know that each day I live is a miniature of my future to come.  I have no control of the future and so if I want my future to be excellent then I need to strive for excellence each day.  Each morning is a new opportunity to live an amazing life.

What is an excellent day, then?  What does it look like?  Waking up energized, ready to face my day. is a good start.  Knowing what I want from the day, what I want to achieve by the end of the day, helps too.  A good day requires my basic needs to be met – food, shelter, clothing.  In the United States our bare minimum is actually greater than the daily lives of the majority of people in the world.  This means that those needs are likely met well.

What I have the most control of is myself, not my surroundings.  So I need to decide how I want to be.  How do I want to behave? Act? Live? Think?  What are my morals? Beliefs? It would be nice if those questions were easy to answer.  A lot of what I believed in the past was just plain wrong.  Creating new belief, though?  That’s an interesting proposition.  I can’t just take the opposite of the past, that isn’t actually how I want to be.  Morals?  I know these are a part of my beliefs but I feel that fundamentally these are still mostly unchanged.

What I do know is that I want to help others.  I want to show people that they can be, and are already, beautiful people.  I want others to see their own worthiness, their own greatness.  I want them to see the miracle that they are.

As I went through each step these last few years I had to search for support, and many times go it alone.  I would latch on to a single idea.  I would believe that the future had the possibility of being better only if things changed.  I didn’t go so far as to believe that it would be great but now I do.  Now I know that my life, and yours, is a matter of what we make of it.  We are amazing human beings and we have the ability to change our world.

I want to be able to shine a light on the darkness so that others can climb their way out of their own dungeons.  I want so much to lend a helping hand for those that need it.  I do this, by writing, by encouraging, by showing others that there is hope.

May each morning be a new beginning to a wonderful future for you.

thank you for reading,

me

 

I am enough 

I am enough.  I am more than enough. I’ve lived long enough,  I’m smart enough,  I’m capable enough.  I’m good enough.

It’s taken a while.  I’m still young enough to be able to enjoy the life I’m building.  And thankfully,  I’ve finally accepted that I am enough.

This is huge.  I’ve been chasing a shadow and always stopping myself because of the fear that I’m not enough.  The fear of ultimate failure, of the loss of my loved ones and the lost of respect for myself.

Declaring that I am indeed enough means that I can now quit beating myself up and I can now start to believe in myself and look for good, even great, things.

There is a renewed hope and faith that the future will come and that today is good. Yesterday has ruled me too long, it was there to teach me not to control me.

Today is where I live.  Today is what I need to be present to. The joy of realizing my completeness allows me to take the focus off of myself and place it on others. Now I can see clearly enough to help others find their worth.

I needed the time to focus on me.  I needed to learn to accept myself,  faults and all. And I needed to learn how to improve who I am and to learn how to live all over again. That is good.  The time spent crying and hating,  time spent focused on my past, was time well spent. I had to deal with things I’ve avoided for ever and I’ve had to heal. I could never give my all or be all I am if I hadn’t gone through my fires.

Don’t let yourself think you are being selfish when you are trying to figure it all out.  Don’t ever feel wrong for taking care of yourself. If more learned to do this very thing then fewer people would need help than do now.  It’s taken me all of these years to learn this. I’ve learned so much!  Trust myself? Believe myself? Honor myself?  How can someone love another if they’ve never learned to love themselves first?

Thanks for reading,

me

An Excellent Day

Yesterday was an excellent day.  With my life surrounded by chaos, yesterday I was able to create a bubble around myself and my kids. (Two of them, anyway.)  Our bubble of fun went wild all over the area.  We were going to make it a beach day but not all of us wanted to go to the beach so rather than stay home and pout, like I wanted to do, we played.  We started the day full of energy and had breakfast out.

My kids love playing Pokemon Go and so we put it on my phone and started searching for Pokemon at the nearest park.  After we caught some we went and picked up a couple of friends to join the fun.  Off we went to another, bigger park.  We stayed there for a couple of hours, found some Pokemon, played on the carousel and ate some yummy food. We walked a little over two miles just there.

Having to take their friends back home by a certain time, we decided to head out and get ice cream before dropping them off.  Ice cream around here means only one place. There’s a little ice cream shop that makes their own ice cream with their own recipes every single day.  They aren’t open year-long and so when they are open they are extremely busy.  Yesterday was beautiful and sunny and so off we went.  It took a little while to get our ice cream but it was worth it!   I think we had dark chocolate almond, cookie dough, and Oreo ice creams.  Delicious.

Once we sadly dropped off the friends we were not done.  The day was still young! Besides, I had promised to wear my kids out by the end of it and they still had some energy left.  I had wanted to go to the beach after all, I was going to make them suffer. So off we went to Sky Zone, a trampoline park.  I checked them in and “forced” them to go jump for an hour.  It was wonderful, finally sitting down and reading, for that hour.  The hour went by way too fast!

The day was almost done and they were finally tired.  I had succeeded in wearing them out.  So home we went.  Showers and dinner and bed.  What a lovely, excellent day.

thank you for reading,

me

Don’t sin in your anger.

Ephesians 4:26 – “In your anger, do not sin.”

I’m angry, actually furious.  My son says “remember, Mom, it’s hard to stay angry when you say ‘bubbles’.”  I love that boy so much my heart aches for him.  His father and I have not yet completed the separation of property and so I am angry.  I am reminded, yet again, why I do not want to be with him.  I am reminded again of his pettiness and his nastiness.  I am reminded again of how so much better our lives are now that we don’t have to deal with him on a daily basis.  I am reminded again how much I truly have.  I’ve learned that when you try to make sense of the nonsensical that all you do is drive yourself crazy.  You cannot make something be logical when it is done counter to logic.  I’ve tried to understand that man for years, and each time I just feel even more crazy.  We must be different species.  Why would a man prefer to make his children’s mom suffer and as such cause his children to suffer just to get even?  Why would a man rather lose his relationships with his children than admit that he needs to step up?  How can a man be so petty, so self-centered?  There is no answer.

I can understand one thing, though.  He did not change, will not change, nor will he ever change.  This is OK.  His life is wrapped up in mine because of our children but our children will grow and will learn on their own how to be with him.  For me, though?  I would love to maintain ‘no contact’ as much as possible.  I am able to do this most of the time. Once I make it through the property division and alimony I expect there will be even less contact.  In addition, once the children are old enough I can write him out of my life entirely. He will be merely an annoyance and nothing more.  Now, to place him in the annoying category rather than the angry category. “Bubbles.”  Yup, makes me smile.

Each time something comes up like this I wonder how on earth I will manage.  My anger consumes me for a time and I feel lost and afraid, as if I were still in his grasp.  I feel as if he is feeding on my life and literally sucking my energy, my will to live and fight, right out of my bones.  Then, like now, I start to despise myself for letting him affect me so.  I begin to think how do I get out of this mood.  How do I keep him from having this effect?  The quiet voice inside of me then reminds me that I am stronger than I’ve ever been and that I may need to feed my strength better by taking care of myself better.  It always comes back to taking better care of myself.  When I am tired, or over drawn, or not taking breaks, or not eating right… then I am more easily swayed, and his grasp begins to take hold again.

What then should I do, could I do, this time?  First, I decided to write this post.  Second, food.  Third, after eating I will sit and quietly read a book and my mind will finally be able to put him back in his little box to deal with later.  I will take charge of taking care of myself because if I don’t then I won’t live.  There is no one else responsible for me but me.

I share this with you so that you may know that when dealing with life, it is important to take each day one at a time.  When recovering from abuse, abortion, divorce or anything else, it is important to take care of yourself.  Remember to be gentle with yourself, love yourself.  You deserve it.

Thank you for reading,

me

PS. Bubbles. 😀

But You Want to Live

What’s it like to want to die?  What on earth brings a person to such a place?  How does someone find themselves in a place where suicide even becomes a thought?  For me it was my dueling inner torment.  The one side who knew she was a murderer, lier, thief, deserving of nothing but death.  The other side, who just wanted to keep on keeping on, who wanted to live.

Dueling inside of myself, there are the two of me.

“Shall I take the codeine?”, says one.  The other answers,  “No.  You want to live.” –   “Shall I shoot myself?”  “No.  you want to live, and besides it’s too messy” –  “Shall I swerve into oncoming traffic?”   “No.  You want to live,  and besides it might not kill you straight out and then what?” –  “Shall I take this bottle of prescription Tylenol with all of the liquor in the cabinet?” –  “No. You want to live.” –  “Shall I quit eating? Quit hydrating?”  “No. You want to live, and besides you’ll be mean to those you love.” – “Shall I drink until I can no longer?”  “No. You want to live, and besides if you do you’ll feel awful” – “Shall I quit?” “No.  You want to live.” – “Shall I cut myself, make myself bleed?  I know how to make it hard to save me.”  “No. You want to live, besides you don’t like pain.” –  “What shall I do then?  I cannot live like this!”  “Exactly.  You cannot live like this, so change.” –  “How?” “Change what you think.  Change how you treat yourself.” –  “What do you mean?”  “Treat yourself like you would treat those you love.” – ” Love?”  “Yes, that too.  You must love yourself.”   “But I don’t.  I hate who I have been.”  “Then change how you are.” –  “But I don’t know how.”   “That is OK.  You don’t have to know how.  Just trust yourself.” – “I’m scared.”  ” Good.  It’s scary.”

This is just an example of a conversation I’ve had over and over in my mind as I try to sleep at night.  I know all of the medicines in my medicine cabinet, and all of the lethal doses for them as well.  I also know what I have in my garage and in my kitchen that I could use to kill me.  This knowledge is dangerous and deadly.  I don’t like knowing what I know because it scares me.  What it all comes down to is that if I did choose to die I could do so and I could do so well enough that no one could save me if they tried.  Yet.  Here I am.  I haven’t had this conversation now for a long time, almost two entire weeks.  Yes, two weeks is not a long time.  I get it.  But to me it is.  When you contemplate suicide it consumes you every moment of every day and even in your dreams.  It’s not something you take lightly and it’s not something that will fix things.

The big change for me is the uniting of my duality.  I have come to recognize that I am who I am because of who I have been.  I am finally giving recognition to my feelings, my pains, my hurts, my regrets.  I am placing the blame and hate and anger on those who deserve it rather than myself.  I recognized that I needed someone besides myself and I sought help because of the voice inside of me that wants to live.  Living is amazing.

The quiet that now comes is hard to describe.  That negative, lost voice inside is now just another piece of who I am and it no longer consumes me.  I am breathing fresh, vibrant air. I am filling my soul with the wonders that surround me; with the scent of my child snuggled up close, with the sound of another speaking his love.  I am finally enjoying the touch and the taste of living fully.  I created myself a sanctuary and yet my peace never came because of my dueling.  Once I was able to stop the dueling I finally found my peace. Learning to be authentic is not an easy task.  At once you must quit lying to yourself and then quit lying to others.  Learning to speak your mind in love is also difficult.  There are many who do not want to hear.

Being authentically you is simple, it’s just saying f*ck it.  Easy? Not in the least.  It’s hard as sh*t.

Please get help if you are where I was.  Go to https://suicidepreventionlifeline.org/ or call 1-800-273-8255  in the US.  Or google it where you are.  It helps to get out of your head, I promise.

thanks for reading,

me

PS:  A good book on stopping the duality is The Wisdom of Insecurity by Alan W. Watts.